White vs. Brown

Sitting in front of my TV this morning I was watching  Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough.  He was on a rant about the shooting and death of Michael Brown and how it would have happened to even his own kids.  Once again Joe has managed to reach within me and elicit a reaction that I can only describe as anger covered in disgust.  I am pissed.

To begin with, how can a white man, an affluent white man comment on the struggles that Blacks in this country face each and every day?  How is that even possible?  That alone makes me want to reach out and smack the stupid off of him.  Secondly, he goes on to call people cowards because, as he says, "I'm sure 97% of America feels the same way he does but are cowards and won't say so."  Bullshit Joe.  Have you even looked at racial statistics lately?  White folks only comprise about 77% of the population.  Latins are next with approximately 17% and Blacks 13% of the population.  I sincerely doubt Joe the Black and Latin communities have the same take on what happened in Ferguson, MI as you do.  Hell, I am whiter than white and I don't have the same opinion as you, thankfully.

He went on to say that Michael Brown "knocked over" a store.   If anything, all Michael Brown did was shoplift.  Since when does shoplifting give Police the right to shoot to kill an unarmed teen?  When?  Joe Scarborough is a pompous ass who is known to not be able to keep his dick in his pants and had a dead intern show up in his government office.  I listen to very little this fuckwit has to say.

I don't agree with the verdict.  I don't agree the cop had the right to shoot to kill and then leave Michael's body in the street for hours.  I don't agree with the protesters burning and committing violence in Ferguson.  I just don't.

I was married for over 10 years to a Black man.  I cannot and will not speak to the black experience in America, the world for that matter, but I can speak to what I feel and what I have seen.  In my relationship with my ex, I confronted a lot of different issues.  I confronted my own prejudices.  Yes I was in a relationship but had prejudices.  I was raised white and prejudices are very subtle.  I feel I have over come much of the way I was raised.  I am aware now of those prejudices and work hard to confront them, work through them and stop them.  While in my relationship I have watched as my husband was followed in stores.  How we were constantly stopped  while he was driving in West Hartford, CT, a predominately white, Jewish town, because he must be a drug dealer because he was black and I a drug user because I was white.  I have watched as people have discriminated against him in housing, employment and socially because of the color of his skin.  I cannot even being to understand the anger he and other Blacks must feel every day.  I cannot.  I know my anger when I saw the person I loved, a college graduate get passed over for jobs and advancement not because he wasn't doing a good job or could of done a good job, but because he was Black.  I have to say, if I were Black, I don't think I would be even remotely as nice and tolerant of racism as most Blacks are.  I know as a Jew I get damn pissed and call me a Kike and that is a fighting word for me.  So I tip my hat to all Blacks who just turn the other cheek in a society hell bent on treating them as less than.

Hey Joe, this is where the anger is coming from in Ferguson and around the country.  They, the Blacks and those of us other ethnicities are disgusted at the pervasive and systemic racism that continues to persist in this country.  How many more Black men have to be murdered for allegedly selling single cigarettes?  How many more Black 12 year old boys are gonna be gunned down for playing with a toy gun?  How many more will die because they were beaten to death for "resisting" being arrested?  How many?  Your right Joe, there are cowards in this world and your the coward.  Your a coward because you cannot even stop and examine your own racial prejudices and racism within yourself.  COWARD.  We, the enlightened, the Whites, the Latins, the Asians should have stood up years ago and said, STOP KILLING THESE PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR SKIN COLOR.  Well, you white, pampered pussy we are doing that now.

The whole Ferguson situation just doesn't pass my smell test.  When have you ever heard of a Black man running up to a White cop in a police car?  Never mind reaching in and smacking the cop and allegedly reaching for his gun?  Really?  Not to get petty but has anyone ever watched the show COPS.  Blacks run, even the innocent ones.  The run from the police because they know.  They know the racism and horrific treatment they will suffer.  Hell, my Black ex-husband, college educated, a licensed commercial lines insurance underwriter was stopped constantly in his Pontiac Grand Am.  Not for speeding, not for being drunk but for driving while being Black in a white town.

I don't care what anyone says.  There is no way Michael rolled up on a cop, reached in and smacked him and reached for his gun.  Its just not logical nor does, like I said pass the smell test with me.  Now I will say the violence and the burning of businesses and churches has to stop.  There is a way to continue to fight this injustice and as Michael's father said, "I don't want my son's death to be in vain."  I agree.  Let us raise our voices.  Let us express the outrage and anger we feel.  Let us band together, united in the fight for equality under the law.  Let us tell the police this will not be tolerated anymore!  Let us take this to the courts.  Most of all, lets not let this peter out and fade away.  Its time we stop being afraid to talk about racism, prejudices and get the dialogue going.  Its time America for the stigmas, the ignorance and most of all the intolerance to stop once and for all.

And Joe Scarborough, you can kiss my lily white ass.  Your a boil on the ass of humanity and you can rant and rave all you want.  We see you for what you are.  A liar, a cheater and a man with a moral defect as large as the Grand Canyon.  Go away.  Take your "Preppy" dressing ways and get off our airwaves.  You make me ashamed to share the same skin color.  There may be free speech but not free stupidity written into the Constitution.  Your an ass.  #ByeGurl

The Tre Of Knowledge

As I sat in front of my TV to watch the special Watch What Happens Live special interview with Teresa and Joe Giudice I thought to myself, "oh this is gonna be good."  True enough, it was delish.  It is what we reality show junkies love.  Dirty, guilt, tears and a teaspoon of reality.  Andy Cohen needs to give his make-up person a raise.  I thought the grey'd down color they gave him lent an air of actual concern.  Something Andy struggles with daily, being able to go deeper than a puddle of spit.  Its just not Andy's thing.  Still, he worked his latest acting skills of wrinkling the eyebrows, shifting in his seat and trying so hard to not dazzle with his smile.

Tre looked like someone who just walked out a burning building.  She looked like hell.  Like someone who gets "skieved" from living in "used" homes and learning she is gonna be in jail for up to 15 months.  I was actually concerned for Tre.  I can see the pain in her.  The fear and maybe even a little anger?  I have always liked Tre.  She is a little dingy, self absorbed, but I don't think she is or was ever very premeditated about anything.  One of the few things I always found so endearing about Tre is she lacks a filter.  She either thinks or feels something and it comes zinging out of her mouth.  That unto itself makes for good TV.

Joe on the other hand looked like the ginormous fuckwit he is.  Dare I say he look drunk?  MMM...Never cared for "Juicy Joe."  Nope never did and especially after he called his wife a cunt, on TV.  I do believe Joe got the better deal.  I wouldn't be sad one bit to see him get deported.

Joe and Tre, plead guilty.  They admitted in court they had committed the crimes as charged.  The did not plea nolo contendere or no contest.  The admitted guilt.  Huge difference.  Big, real big.  One the day of sentencing I kept seeing "pray for Tre."  "They made a mistake, everyone does."  Really?  Bank fraud, wire fraud, bankruptcy fraud is now a mistake?  Having to make restitution of almost half a million dollars is an oopsie?  Who knew?

The interview only confirms for me what I already knew.  They didn't learn anything from any of the experience.  They are not sorry for what they did.  They are sorry they got caught.  Tre now claims she was not aware she was facing jail time.  Really?  I am sure her attorney, and yes folks she had her own attorney made her more than aware she was facing jail time.

In 2001, Tre applied for two mortgages in which she claimed to be employed as an executive assistant and a realtor.  Now for those who claimed her husband is all to blame.  Your wrong.  She didn't understand his games?  Really?  She knew she was employed or not and with whom.  She knew.  Mortgage applications are not difficult documents to read and understand.  Name, address, employer, salary, credit cards, etc. are what is listed.  So for her to play the stupid card is well, gross.

They each had their own attorney's and each fully knew what they had done.  I have read the indictments, rulings and have come to the conclusion they both knew fully knew what they were doing and until arrested, continued to do so.  They defrauded a bankruptcy court, hid assets, lied about having jobs, failed to file tax returns and right up to the day of sentencing lied about assets and income to the court.  No I do not have any sympathy for the Tre and Joe.

This interview on Bravo with Andy is just another money making venture so Tre can have $200,000 dollars she needs to have as part of the plea deal.  She needed to have this money on the day of sentencing.  The tears and pleas of worrying about her (their) children is bullshit.  If you cared about your children Tre, Joe, then you wouldn't have committed these crimes.  Its that simple.  Or did you think you wouldn't be caught?  That you were above the law?

Tre's remark about not understanding she was facing jail time as part of her plea deal?  Again, REALLY?  Anyone who has ever had any type of court interaction knows the court, the prosecutor and attorney's bend over backwards to make sure you more than understand the entire ramiifications of what you are about to agree to.  Just more lies. Her plea agreement is very plain and easy to understand.

Here are the links to the indictment, and both pleas:  (just copy and paste the links into your browser)

Indictment:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Giuseppe%20and%20Teresa%20Superseding%20Indictment.pdf

Tre's Plea:

 http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Teresa%20Plea%20Agreement.pdf

Joe's Plea:

http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Giuseppe%20Plea%20Agreement.pdf

You read for yourself.  I think while rather dry, its fairly easy to understand all of it.  There is no confusion about what she knew and what she didn't know in my mind.

I have seen people get very upset at Bravo, Andy and even me because I don't share their "protective" feelings they have to Tre.  You can see for yourself, its a very clear cut case.  Tre wasn't signing super hard documents.  She knew she was lying about being employed.  She and Joe both lied to the bankruptcy court about salaries and assets.  While I feel bad for their children, they will survive and based on the continuing deceit and BS Tre & Joe are putting out, their children are not going to learn if you lie and steal you go to jail.  They will learn presentation is everything reality is for the little people who live in "used" houses.  Just my humble and fact filled opinion.

Is Love Too Strong A Word?

Three days now I have been jotting down thoughts, feelings and just random things which pop into my head regarding this blog.  Its a tough one for me.  My mother, the woman who birthed me and then went on to beat, verbally abuse and make me the mental/social equivalent of a stale muffin is dying.  I have spent many years trying to deal with the scars left by her.  To this day I carry the physical and emotional scars.  Years of therapy to get over the night terrors, my inability to feel or receive love have left me on par emotionally with a rock.

A few years ago I wrote a blog, Open Letter To Mom.  I also forwarded a copy to my mother.  In this letter/blog I told her that she no longer had a place in my life.  I also told her what I felt she needed to hear from me.  I would no longer carry the shame of what she did.  I placed the blame firmly back where it belonged, on her.  I told her I wished she would get the help she so sorely needed and expressed my hope she would find some peace and maybe even happiness in life.  My blog received a lot of very positive feedback from the public.  My mother sent me back an email with just two words in it, "You're crazy!"

Five years have passed since that final break.  I have continued to heal from all the physical and sexual abuse (she is still in contact with the man who raped me)  I actually have some measurable self-esteem/worth now.  The night terrors are slowly stopping.  I believe my relationships are healthier.  I am always amazed how my life has improved without her in it.  While the physical abuse stopped when I left home, the mental and emotional never really stopped until I decided she really didn't have a place in my life.  Five years.  Five years which have been so filled with happy and some sad times.  I feel like a completely different person now.

So you can imagine my shock and complete lack of ability to deal with the news of her being ill and most likely getting ready to die.  This never entered my mind.  I was mad, glad, sad and stunned all at once and it has taken me days to sift through all the feelings this has raised.

One the one hand this is my mother.  My initial reaction was to feel sad.  This is my mother!  We are supposed to feel sad when a parent dies...right?  Then I feel the anger.  Why should I feel sad when this woman has done nothing but torment her children?  No, I refuse to feel sad for her.  Back and forth I went for days.  Feeling guilty for still feeling such strong anger towards her.  Beating myself up for being the "bad, worthless piece of shit, sick fuck" (her terms for me) and not rushing to her side to make her passing easier for her.

This is all so new.  So untried and untested for me.  There is tons of support for those who have parents who are abusive but I have never heard of any support groups or ways to deal with the death of ones abuser?  Stumped me there wizard.  I always thought I would feel some sort of relief when I learned she was dead/dying.  The source of so much pain in my life would be gone.  Instead I find myself full of contradictions and absolutely no relief.

The good person in me.  The soft, kind, loving me wants to be there.  To help her die peacefully.  The scared little boy wants to run and hide, as I so often did when she would get into one of her "moods."  I want to yell at her and make her understand all the damage she did.  I want her to really feel sorry and say so!  None of this will happen.  None of it.  Instead, I am left, as is always the case with her, holding a bag of pain.  I will be left to deal with the aftermath of her behaviors.  To search and hopefully find a place of healing again.

I love my mother.  Its there.  I think part of the cycle of abuse is that we are taught to love those who abuse us.  Also it is quite normal to love a parent.  For many of us survivors, its hard to admit we still love those who hurt us so deeply. I do, I love her in spite of all the pain she caused.  I promised myself many years ago I would not let the pain of my childhood cause me to become like her and I won't.  If our roles were reversed, she would not still love me.  So I feel good in knowing that I am so different from her.

The question which remains is, so where do I go from here?  Miss Manners really missed out on this type of situation.  There are not charted courses for me to glean a path from.  There are the ugly details of death to deal with.  The funeral, the dividing up of her estate.  The cleaning out of her belongings.  Who is going to take her animals (poor bastards, they need some peace)?  My sister has stated she wants no part of anything to do with our mother.  She will not even discuss her feelings.  My sister tends to bury and stuff anything which hurts her.  I am the emotional one.  I just don't know how to react or deal with any of this.

Knowing my mother, she has never altered her Last Will and Testament.  Its the same will which she and my father made 45 years ago.  Normally I would not even give it a second thought.  This is not a normal situation and the fact that my mother is extremely wealthy and the estate is going to be very sizable only adds to the quandary.  The question begging to be asked is, "is it wrong to want to inherit money and property from a person I love but at the same time loath?  Is that blood money?

My mother is still clinging to life as of the writing of this blog.  I still do not believe it is in my best interests to go to see her.  I am still sitting her at my desk, looking out my window and feeling all the conflicted feelings within me.  I know whatever happens, I have a huge amount of work both emotionally and physically to do.

I cannot help but feel sad.  Sad for her because she has led a miserable life full of grief and pain.  Sad for me because I didn't get a loving and supportive mother.  Sad for my sister who in her own way has yet to deal with any of the trauma our mother caused.  Maybe this is the ending of one stage of life and the beginning of another?  Maybe I will get to do some healing which could never have happened while she was alive?  Maybe I will be left with all of the unanswered questions I have always had and probably some more?

This is what I do know.  I know I have the power to not let this woman continue to damage and hurt me.  This is her death and not mine.  I will continue to grow and evolve as a human being.  I will love, laugh, cry and be mad.  I will strive to be at peace within myself and nothing she does and has done will ever make me stray from that path.

In closing, Mom...I hope your not in pain.  I want you to know I love you and always will.  I hope you find some peace and that your passing is easy.  I am sorry I cannot come and be with you.  I have to take care of me now and it is not good for me to be around you.  I hope for mercy for you.  Love, Your Son.

Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds You

Recently, while reading the latest blog of my much beloved Kristen Johnston, I was dumb founded and truth be told a little dismayed.  I normally love the brash, no bull-shit, no punches pulled funny gal, but her last blog was off.  I thought to myself, "you are taking this wrong" and closed the blog and decided to go back to it.  A fresh perspective was what I thought I needed.  I came back and still feel the same

In her blog, Kristen goes on about how she has always "looked down on celebrities who felt the need to splurt (yeah, her word and not mine and obviously not in the dictionary either) the intimate details of their personal lives."  She thinks that is "tacky" and goes on to state she believes it important to hold back so that as actors they can be believable in many roles.  Really? OY   It was at this point I knew no matter how hard I tried to understand where she was coming from, I just didn't agree.  She goes on to say since she doesn't allow her home to be photographed or keeps the names of her boyfriends private that she is, and this is my voice not hers, better than those "other" celebs who divulge every little detail.  She then reveals how she was raised to lie, deceive and say "no comment" and that it is the presentation of one's self that is important and not the reality.  Again, more head shaking.  So now Kristen knows what is right for others?  Mmmmm...#Suspect

At this point I can feel my hypocrisy meter raising.  I kept thinking to myself, "who the hell is this women?"  She decides what others should or should not share about themselves?  Really?  So, if I share something she doesn't, like my inter-nut (thats for you Sukie) romance which played out on Twitter makes me less than?

She then launches into how she was forced into engaging on social media with the release of her book in 2012.

"The final straw came at one event in New Jersey, when I looked in the store window to see 10 folding chairs, all empty save for  one bored woman eating a sandwich. I began to hyperventilate, and went to the parking lot to call my Literary Agent, torn between fury, humiliation and heartbreak.
"I don't understand, Lydia. Nobody's here. Has no one publicized this??!"
"Nowadays they don't really do book tours." She said "Most advertising is done through Social Media."
"Well, their social media person sucks."
"No, Kristen." She said, with eternal patience. "Most authors nowadays have a presence on Twitter and Facebook. Publishers rely heavily on an author's self-promotion. In fact, unless you're Stephen King, most books nowadays have literally no budget for promotion."
"Are you telling me that they paid me a huge chunk of money, and I spent a year & a half writing this thing with virtually no help--and yet---and yet" I felt myself going faint "No one will know it exists??!!""That's right. Unfortunately, it's all up to you."  

I don't know what most of you took from the above excerpt from her blog, but I took that she was pissed that others were not out promoting her.  She thought all she has to do was show up, sign a few books, blather on about her drunken, drug fueled escapades and presto she was gonna be a NY Times Best Selling Author.  From where I am sitting it sounds like a temper tantrum or in AA speak, "addict behavior."  So she joined Twitter/Facebook and says it helped make her book the success it is.

Then she launches into a well worn, tried and true rant about the mean, nasty, border crossing minions on social media.  When you work in an ice cream store, expect to be cold.  When you work in a morgue, expect dead people, when you work in the multi-billion dollar entertainment industry and then right a book about your drug and alcohol addictions, expect to get a few wing-nuts.  I am not a star, never pretend to know one, and to be very "real" and "honest" I know of no celebs who would even want to have a friendship with me.  Trust me, my life is very screwy and very boring (most of the time).  This is a women who has a blog which "splurts" out the intimate details of her illnesses.  Bone breaking, surgeries..the whole nine yards but thankfully I don't know what her house looks like so I can find her new role to be so incredible believable.  Insert a huge, epic eye roll here.  She goes on to recount some of the more salacious boundaries people have broken with her.


"Here are a few examples of boundaries I've established:

"For my own sobriety, I have to ask you to stop contacting me drunk or high."
"You seem to be angry I didn't respond to you right away.  Please respect that I work, have a life and can't be at your beck & call."
"I'm not equipped to handle this kind of crisis, please call 911."
"I've already given you the names & numbers of people in your area who can assist you, and you refuse to call them. Yet you continue to turn to me in constant crisis."
"Please don't write me that you're suicidal. How can I possibly help you? What is it you want me to say? Please call 911 and/or call a close friend/family member."
"I can't meet with anyone from Social Media for coffee. Otherwise I'd never leave Starbucks."
"I can't call your family member/friend and talk them out of their addiction."
"I can't get you an acting job."
I could go on and on and on and on....

I'm sure you think these are ridiculous, but each statement above is something I've had to write many, many times to many different people.
"When people refused to respect my boundaries, people I even considered friends, I knew I had no choice but to block them/end the friendship.  A few of them now hate me with a passion, conveniently forgetting the months and months of icredible patience and generosity I showed them. Some have even gone so far as to spread lies about me, my mental health, my sobriety."

For many of us, social media has been a learning curve.  I am sure anyone reading this blog, can recount a situation or two where their feelings have been hurt or even worse.  Social media brings out the very best and also the very worst in folks.  Some say its the anonymous nature of the platform, others think because its not in person its easier to be nasty.  Who knows?  I personally have had few scrapes with folks over the years, but for the most part I have found my way and don't really have a hard time on Twitter.

I like Kristen.  I get her most of the time.  I find her funny, very self-effacing and real.  So why then am I writing what I am sure will be considered a negative blog about her blog?  Well, its easy enough to explain.  I am tired of celebs complaining about bad press, negative experiences with social media.  If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen.  They have chosen a career in the public eye.  By 2014 it is more than known, its been genetically encoded into our DNA that public people will be hounded by the press, people and tabloids.  In return they make insanely huge amounts of money.  Am I endorsing the behavior of such media outlets as TMZ, The National Inquirer?  No.  Am I condoning, what I have termed the "Gangs of Twitter", those who group together to slam a celeb?  Not at all.  I am just saying to whine about your #FirstWorldProblems or #StarIssues is redundant and lame.

One of the best things about social media is you, the person is in charge.  You can interact or not.  You can tweet or not.  You can hire someone to do it for you if your a celeb.  An entire industry has popped up and is thriving just managing the public images on social media of celebs.  So no I don't get the reason for her blog other than to thank the person "Karen" for her help.  In fact, I will be unfollowing Kristen.  This last blog is just another rant she has been on for sometime.  She is not a victim.  She is a celeb whose career depends on all of us little people finding her interesting.  If she doesn't like that level of interest in her, then I recommend she stop acting, stop writing books, stop interacting with people on social media and get a job where her person is not the product.  Maybe retail?  Office work?

I get very irritated with celebs who interact heavily with the general public and then complain when people get too close or consider themselves friends with a celeb.  Let me explain it, rather let me dumb it down for all those celebs who have similar issues with the general public.  Many of us little people think when a celeb notices us, or interacts with us that somehow our thankless, meaningless, dead end lives mean something.  That somehow through contact with a celeb we are elevated and hence our lives and feelings about ourselves are better.  I personally could give a shit if a person is a celeb or not.  I am not the fawning type.  I will crack a few of my snarky one-liners and keep moving.  Unless your giving me a huge pile of cash, a blow-job or a car, then your about as useful to me as the guy behind the counter at Cumberland Farms convenience store.  I don't give celebs the "G-D Complex" that many do.  To me, celebs are just better paid people who look shitty when they roll out of bed and then become sexy after a team of 12 come and do their hair and make-up, pick out their clothes and tell them what to say.

So for Kristen to blog about all the stress and strife some have caused her is the end for me.  She is acting like some kind of spoiled brat.  I am happy she is doing better health wise.  Super excited she remains strong in her sobriety, but highly recommend she seek professional help in correcting her entitled behaviors and in accepting and defining herself as an actress/author.  What she find is good for her and only her and let others worry about themselves.  Just remember Kristen, when you look down on other celebs for what they share you are really looking down on yourself.  Define yourself not others.

There, I am done with my rant.  Thanks for reading.

Something Old, Something New

Earlier this week, while going about my life, I received a request on Facebook by someone to be my friend.  I didn't see any obvious connections, so I accepted him and decided to see how it played out.  I consider myself computer and social networking savvy so I didn't consider it too much.  A little while later I was trying to clean out my email accounts and chatting on Twitter when the person instant messaged me on FB.  So he said hi, asked how I was and I did the same.  Then came the bomb.  Do you know a person named TJ?  I was just stunned.  TJ was my ex from over 20 years ago.  Now I have this chubby little Mexican guy asking if I know TJ.  Valentino was this creeps name.  Wait for it, its gets better.  Anyhow, we continue chatting.  I am trying to figure out why my ex's boyfriend would be contacting me.  Inquiring minds and shit.  So I decide to ask him.  He tells me TJ only has nice things to say about me.  I don't about him, but whatever.  They were talking and my name came up so Valentino runs to his laptop and searches me out on Facebook.  Now I know this guy is up to no good.  But I continue to play along, trying to see where this is gonna go and when will I lower the boom and lock my stuff down.

I decided to get off the computer and get some stuff down around the house.  As I was doing my charwomen routine I was thinking.  Thinking of why in the hell would some border hopping Mexican with no education, no money, and obviously no dignity contact me?  It hit me, the guy was insecure or there must be problems in their relationship.  The memories started to flood back.  TJ and all of his BS.  TJ loved to play with people.  Loved to wind them up and then sit back and watch the fireworks.  He was a prolific, serial even, cheater and was pron to very, and I repeat, very young men.  If TJ could lie and get away with it, he would.  He was incapable of telling the truth.  

As these memories came back to me.  I realized I was no longer angry or even hurt.  I was thankful.  Thankful he was no longer in my life.  Valentino had pictures on his page of him, them.  I looked and was amazed at just how FAT TJ had become and how stupid he looked.  Valentino told me TJ didn't like cell phones and was a REPUBLICAN and still in the closet!  More than thankful, I was grateful.  Dodged that bullet.

We were so young, naive and full of hormones.  I was 19 and he was 20.  We were together for almost 10 years.  Shortly before my 29th birthday, TJ announced he was leaving me for one of his illegal boy toys.  To be honest, I was relieved.  I was tired of the lies, the cheating and most of all, being hurt.  All these years later, I look back and think how could I have put up with such things.  The beatings, the mistreatment I suffered at his hands.  I once received a phone call from one of his other ex's, he told me TJ was just like I said he was and how sorry he was for ever believing him in regards to me.  I yawned and hung up.  

Valentino is a 52 year old man.  His citizen status is suspect.  He currently works at MacDonald's (yes, giggle, I did).  TJ doesn't acknowledge him at a husband, partner nor boyfriend.  They live together in TJ's house.  When TJ's Dad passed away last year, Valentino was not allowed to come to CT with him for the funeral.  I took the information in and just shook my head.  I really did dodge a bullet.

I, of course, blocked Valentino on Facebook.  I see he has done the same.  All week in the back of my mind the words, closure..gratefulness and peace with my past kept creeping into my thoughts.  I always wonder what it would be like to run into an ex.  Someone I had loved, spent many years with and pined over when it was over.  Now I know.  I am so happy to not have that in my life.  TJ would appear to be the same self-loathing, lying, manipulative person he always was.  I almost feel sorry for him.  Sorry he didn't grow or change and blossom.  Instead, he is still unhappy.

I took an inventory of myself.  I am single, 49 years old and peaceful.  I know myself and actually like who I have become.  I am not ashamed of my homosexuality.  Quite the contrary, I boast about it.  I would like to think I have become a nicer, more compassionate person.  So would like to thank Valentino and even TJ for helping to remind me just how far I have come.  How much I have changed and grown.

Thanks guys for giving me the gift of hindsight.  I really appreciate it.  

In The Middle of The Middle East

I have waited and hoped I would not have to take a pen and comment on what has been happening in Israel/Gaza Strip.  I was hoping cooler minds would prevail and some sort of cease-fire could be negotiated.  Alas, as of the writing of this blog, the carnage continues.

As most of you already know, I am the living antithesis of what Adolf Hilter stood for.  I am a card carry, Yarmulke wearing homosexual Jew.  Dang if that isn't a mouth full.  Anyhow, suffice to say I am Jewish and Gay but I will try to be fair in this blog.

I am the grandson of a survivor of the holocaust.  I spent time in my teens in Israel working on a Kibbutz.  I have many friends in Israel.  I also have friends in the West Bank and in Gaza, both Palestinian and not.

This is what I know about the current situation in Israel.  Hamas is a terrorist organization which terrorizes its own people they claim to represent.  They do not acknowledge the legitimacy of Israel and have vowed to bring about its destruction.   I also know, first hand, how they attack innocent civilians within Israel's borders.  They use terror as a weapon.  They have sent over 2,600 bombs into Israel since July 8, 2014.  They are not targeting military bases but rather civilians.

I also know, if the bombs stopped coming from the Gaza Strip into Israel, I know the government in Israel would be under immense pressure to stop the current campaign in the Gaza Strip.  I also believe Israel is not the instigator nor wanting innocent Palestinians to die.

With all of that said, the bombs continue to fall, people are dying...on both sides.  I do not propose to know how to end the conflict, but I do know the average Joe and Jane on the streets of Israel and within Gaza and the West Bank, want peace.  There needs to be a Palestine for the Palestinians.  They need to be able to live free and govern themselves and stop living in a constant state of war.  Hatred needs to be bred out of both Israeli's and Palestinians.

The world is upset with Israel.  There are civilians dying in Gaza.  Schools are being hit.  Children are seeing nothing but death and destruction.  It is ugly with a capital U.  So I asked the question, "What does the world want from Israel?"  I keep hearing, "they should stop."  I don't think it is that easy.  Three buildings in NYC and DC were bombed 13 years ago and we are still at war.  So when is Israel going to be given the same consideration?  I keep telling people, what bothers you more, the fact that Israel is defending itself or that it is much more effective than Hamas?

I really think if Israel operated on the same scale as Hamas, the world would look away.  For some reason, when Hamas starts a conflict and Israel comes in and effectively slams Hamas back into dark alley's and back rooms its a problem.

I ask you to ponder the question I asked above.  Is what bothers most people the fact Israel is defending itself or the fact it does it so well?  I found the 9/11 attacks to be a warning.  A warning that war was coming home to America.  America were most have lived in complete and utter ignorance of what most of the globe has had to live and deal with for centuries.  I also found most people's reaction to the the 9/11 attacks funny.  Take a moment and remember how frightened you were on that day.  Remember the turmoil and confusion following the attacks.  Now...think that Israeli's and Palestinians have been living like that and worse for decades.

In 1982 I was in Israel when the war with Lebanon began.  The "Peace For Galilee" war it was called.  The Kibbutz I was on is called Misgav Am.  You cannot really get any closer to Lebanon without being in it..hehe.  Anyhow, the war started.  There were times, especially at night we could hear the distant  sounds of bombs and even machine gun fire.  For me, a teen from a small town in New England, that was big shit.  I was terrified most of the time.  Eventually, I did learn to go on but never completely.  The gnawing fear and stress never really leaves you.  I understand a little of what life is like for most Israeli's and Palestinians.

The humanitarian in me hates to see anyone suffer, Jew, Palestinian or Ukrainians.  I want peace for my fellow Israeli's.  I want to be able to visit my Palestinian friends freely and I want them to be able to come to visit me.  I don't want to have to send money and care packages because certain things are unobtainable.  I want peace.

I admire the Israeli's.  They have created a county, a homeland for themselves.  Their level of living is almost the same as here in the United States of America.  They do not attack but rather respond to the constant attacks they endure.  The almost constant attacks of bombs strapped to people.  Bus bombings, kidnappings and other outrageous atrocities.  It happens all to frequently.  We never hear of Israel going into Gaza or the West Bank and kidnapping people.  To date I have never heard of an Israeli strapping a bomb to themselves and walking into a Gaza market.  It just doesn't happen.  We hear of Israel responding to attacks from Hamas and other splinter groups.

I ask you to think a moment back to 9/11.  Remember not feeling secure, scared and confused.  How many felt about the loved ones they lost on that day and the many lost since we went to war with Iraq and Afghanistan.  With those feelings still fresh, try to place yourself in the position of the Israeli's.  Do you still feel the same way?  Do you still think Israel is being harsh on Hamas?

I stand firmly behind Israel.  I believe they are guided by a moral compass Hamas and the others lack.  I believe many Palestinians could and want to live in PEACE with Israel.  I believe they deserve a country of their own.  I long to see the day where the Gaza Strip is an open port and is flourishing.  I long for the day I do not have to hear the fears of my Israeli friends as they send their children off to yet another conflict with the Palestinians.  The only question left to ask is, will I live to see Peace in the Middle East?

No...Not Even If I Try

As I sit here in front of my computer my mind is whirling with all the event of this latest round of shows from Bravo.  Aviva and her leg toss, Porscha and Kenya coming to blows and all the other stunts which have occurred during this season.  Somehow I just cannot get past all the violence, name calling and other assorted actions these women, a term that doesn't seem to fit, but what the hell, I am feeling heady this evening, have exhibited.

As many of you know, I love to sit in front of my TV, watch the shows and tweet my reactions to what I see.  I loved it, once...now?  Not so much.  I felt it was raw, uncensored and kept my comic timing honed to a fine point.  Now I just sit there and call the ladies out on their obvious lack of honesty.  Take Tamra Judge, from RHOC.  She lied on camera about repeating what Shannon had said to her.  Not once but many times.  To Shannon, in regards to Shannon and for interviews regarding the scene in question.  She lied and was filmed doing so.  I just don't like to watch people do that.  Its not entertaining to me.   Nor is watching Vicki and Crooks get naked and have massages.  I am still working diligently with my therapist trying to erase that image from my mind.

The violence is what bothers me the most.  Andy has lost control of these waxed, botoxed, glamazons on the reunion shows.  They now tell him what questions they will ask.  For instance, Ramona, who loved when the Countess was going through her own personal hell of a divorce, to throw digs and innuendos at the Countess, but now that her own husband has found a much cheaper, younger and far more mentally stable version of her, she will not answer the questions.  Like any of us blame Mario, pig from hell that he is, from finding some solace in the arms of a more rational person.  In the end its petty.   Its not even remotely interesting anymore.  We go from one argument to another with the understanding that the women are paid to prance around, dress-up and fight.  There is no other story line anymore.

Gone are the days when it was fun and exciting to watch the Countess realize a dream of recording a hit single.  Even if it was auto-tuned to hell and back.  It was fun.  Watching Bethany take her dreams of being successful in the business word to the shelves of my local grocery store.  Who doesn't like a Skinny Girl Margarita?  Listening to Vicki ramble on about her insurance agency and how busy she always was.  Now we see her peeing the bed and buying hair and teeth for a man who is neglectful of his children.  Is that really entertaining?  Not for me.

I am into shows I don't tweet about, like Big Freda...I love that crazy, but sweet black drag queen do his thing.  Good TV.  Bravo doesn't have it anymore.  The whole cattiness of the shows, all of them on Bravo are beyond nauseating, they are dull.  Listen, I love a good cat fight like the next lonely homo, but hell, after 3 episodes of RHOA, I had my fill from Nene and her homophobic rants...do we really need more?  The opening season of Ladies of London was just another attempt by the executives of Bravo trying just another location with the same premise to lure in those last two remaining human beings who are not aware of Bravo and the shows.  I really don't think watching that show, with such divine creatures, like Clamitia, aka Caprice or Anna-Dull go at it was fun and I don't think the whole USA vs. UK was a thrill on either side of the ocean.  Juliet and her frantic energy or her even more frantic attempts to be seen as a "good American" helped at all.  Not for me at least.  I was yawning in 5 point 2 seconds and trolling my shows menu in the upper right hand of my TV.

Falling Skies, Tyrant, Witches Of The East End, Big Freda, The Last Ship are the shows I am watching and have on my DVR.  I don't want to watch women be prompted to have more explosive fights.  I don't believe any of the women on any of the shows are friends.  These shows are not about those people who have lives far different from mine.  Hell, if I wanted to watch someone like Nene behave badly and be homophobic, I would just call my mother and save myself a ton of money each month and cancel my cable subscription.  There are no more charity events.  Just one or two good fights...the audience picks sides, Twitter and Facebook go apeshit,  then there is the trip abroad and then a reunion show or three.  This is where they rip each other to shreds and then we wait for the next season to begin.

In the beginning it was fun.  We met and saw a different side of life most of us will never be a part of.  Lavish parties, designed digs and cribs, in other words, a life where work is a four letter code word for poor.  We really believed they were friends and we were watching through a tiny window lives which appeared to much more exciting than ours.  I found lots of new people who shared my interest in the shows and it was fun.  I felt part of a community.

The shows have become troublesome for me.  I find all the wives to be boring, ignorant, intolerant and most of all, MANIPULATIVE.  I refuse to even acknowledge RHONJ and RHOA, nor do I tweet about them.  RHOM was done long ago for me.  RHOC is now on the chopping list for me.  I just can't anymore.  This last season with Aviva and the leg toss sealed their fate with me as well.

I miss the light-hearted fun, the community of people who watched and gossiped about the shows but most of all I miss the "newness" of the shows.  I feel like I am a sheep and Bravo is leading me down a path that will end with me on the cliff.  They are laughing all the way to the bank, their ever so needy ego's are being filled by the adoration and controversy of the fans and we are left to watch women behaving badly for money.  Legs being thrown, teeth falling out, anal sex, drug and alcohol abuse are now normal.  People being brutally beaten seems normal.  They say oops and I am sorry and all is better.

I write this post to let others know its okay to come out of the closet and say, "I too, don't like the shows anymore."  Stand up, be counted and most of all....let Bravo know.

Why Its Not Okay To Be Violent

It started with a slap, then a shove.  The slap with his open hand became a closed fist.  The punch became a few, a few punches became a beating and beatings became normal.  When the beatings were not enough he would end up pushing him from a moving car or throwing boiling pasta water on him.  The violence escalated until death would be welcomed and a sure thing in the near future.

He always said that is was his attitude, a look or a bad dinner that provoked him to beat him.  He took no responsibility for what he did.  It was always something which gave him the right to beat, degrade and humiliate him.  Everyone in their silence and acceptance of his weak excuses made it seem acceptable and okay to him to continue to be violent.

Those days are over now.  He left his abusive husband.  It has taken him years to not cringe and jump every time a person touches him.  He has begun to heal from the wounds and rebuild his self-esteem.  He is me, Lucien.

So you can understand a little of why I get so passionate about violence.  Any sort of violence between people, is for me, just not acceptable.  When I saw Kenya get attacked by Porsha it just triggers many painful memories for me.  What is worse is how everyone turned their heads away or explained away her behavior.  That is what really scares me.  When did it become okay for a person to put their hands on another person?  When?

The response have been overwhelmingly in support of Porsha.  I am still shocked.  My male followers who are straight have been surprisingly silent.  My gay, male followers have been decidedly pro Porsha.  The women have been the most surprising, ultra pro Porsha.  What does this say about society?  Does it tell us we have taught men to strike a women is wrong but if its between two women or two men its okay?  When did the message become cloudy and not crystal clear?  Violence in any shape or form is wrong.

I am sad because I have fought long and hard to escape the mind set that I did something wrong and my being beaten was somehow my fault.  When I see people excuse Porsha and what she did it just makes me feel all over again that we are back in the dark ages.  Anyone else out there feel the same?  Are we back in the 1950's?  Do we just look the other way?  Are we supposed to excuse violence under certain circumstances?  Who decides what circumstances make is acceptable to hit another?  Is their a book?

I think some accountability needs to be demanded from the Bravo Network and from Andy Cohen.  While his lips were saying one thing, his actions were saying another.  He said Bravo does not condone violence for any reason.  Then why would they hype it, tape it, and then air it?  When Bravo started to explode I thought this would be a great channel to watch and support because they were pro-gay, pro-women and were evolved.  Since the suicide of Taylor Armstrong's husband Russel and the violence on the shows I am finding it harder and harder to continue watching their programming.

If we can grow and evolve as a society to embrace all as equals how can we excuse violent behavior or the network which airs it?  How can we come down on a man for speaking his mind and yet say Porsha was justified in attacking Kenya?  Don't get me wrong, I am not team Kenya by any stretch of the imagination.  Until as a society we all hold ourselves accountable for our own actions, until we all decry violence as unacceptable we will all be at risk of having violence done to us all.

There were many options open to Porsha.  She could have asked to have those props of Kenya's taken away.  She could have walked off the stage and refused to continue.  The only thing Porsha did was show the under-belly of her personality.  In the end, I leave the show disappointed and yet again, very disillusioned by a show and a network.

Take a stand people.  Demand these networks, these reality celebs be accountable and if they cross the line they will and can be replaced.  We have to demand accountability.  We have to say violence is not entertaining and will not be supported.  Stop the violence on TV, in the home and in our lifetime.  Just stop.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Renion: The Boycott

I love me some down and dirty fighting, especially when it involves a few "ladies."  This time though I just didn't have it in me.  I couldn't find the snark, its just too easy.  Just take a gander at the cast of characters.

Andy Cohen...looking freakishly underweight.  His hair all napped up like Bravo couldn't afford air conditioning and his Jew-Fro was out of control.  The gleam in his eye is because he is getting paid to shit stir.  Yawn, been there done that, have the hat, the tee-shirt and again yawn.  I like to look at Andy but he is otherwise useless to me.  He offers nothing other than a good old fashioned stiffy.

Brandish, what can one say?  Her position is indefensible.  She is a two bit, ex model with droopy skin and a penchant for whining.  Besides being married and divorced by Eddie Rimes, what the hell is interesting about her?  Betraying Lisa Vanderpump?  Flipping off the world on Twitter?  Again, I am inserting a yawn.

Vyle Richards.  The housewife who is so rampantly unpopular she has to use her maiden name and not that of her Mexi-Cali-Jew husband, Mo'Ricio Urbanski.  (And by the way, how the hell did a Mexican Jew get a Polish name, yeah, that still stumps the hell out me)  Vyle is well...vyle.  She is mean, sneaky, nasty and even though she is still trying to rock her Crystal Gale hair-don't, Panteen still hasn't made her their spokes model (yes, laugh loudly now).  The only thing I can even come remotely close to nice in saying about Vyle is the fact she finally traded in her green stamps for an upper lip.  Yes lawd.

Kim Richards?  Well, dear sweet little Kim.  In recovery Kim, you know the one with pupils the size of pin heads?  The gal who slurs her words and stumbles around praying to garbage cans?  Yeah, that Kim.  Well after years of rampant drug and alcohol abuse and being pimped out to Hollywood she has the face of a well loved Birken handbag and a dog which is smarter than she is.  Kim has been in and out of rehab so many times they now give her frequent flyer miles at the Betty Ford Center.  The whole bullshit about her getting her sobriety on the show was well, for the show.  If Kim is sober than I have regrown my Hymen, supposing I ever had one, like Kim's sobriety.  A yawn.  No story line, just a bunch of loosely strung together mishaps in which Kim acts the part of idiot with a heart.

YoYo Foster.  White pants, Lymes disease.  Wife of the illustrious DAVID FOSTER, who has worked with.....just insert a few well known entertainers cuz' I am too tired to type.  Yawn, meds, Yawn.

Joyce and her over fed Belgian husband?  Ummmm...(Crickets)

Carlton, I grew up in South Africa and had black friends and am a sex pot?  She uses ball gags cuz' even her husband doesn't want to hear her.  Is probably screwing the Nanny and several of the other household staff.  Yeah, so what Carlton, I have spent lots of time on Fire Island prior to AIDS.  Big Whoop!

Lisa Vanderpump?  Again Yawn.  Starred in a couple movies.  Is part owner in a couple restaurants.  Thinks before she speaks, some may call that manipulative, I call it smart.  Is married to a gallant man, but really they are British so they don't spark my interest.

Maybe I have changed, maybe I am bored.  These shows are just about how outrageous they can be all season and then Andy can rankle the ladies and for 2 or 3 Reunion shows he can shit stir and get a woody over all the cat fighting.  It just doesn't do it for me anymore.  

People takes sides, defend this ladies (a term I use loosely) to the death, Twitter wars erupt and I yawn.  I don't care about these ladies nor their lives.  The are not living lives I would want.  I don't ever want to see my droopy ass sqoozed into a dress my daughter should be slapped for wearing.  I don't ever want to see one of my booze induced sex-capades on national TV (Thanks LuAnn and Back Door Sonja).  Nope.  There isn't any class in any of these ladies.  Lisa hanging with her staff?  Really?  Brandish so shit faced she had to claim food poisoning and TMJ?  No thanks.  I am not much but I prefer my dirt to stay safely in the subconsciousness of those I got fuckered up with, thank you very much.

I might Tweet for the second part of the shit fest called Part 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or I may not.  I am not sure.  What I do know is many are like me.  Many are leaving the shows because they are becoming less real, less interesting and more like The Bad Girls Club, just with more money for production.  I like to make others laugh and interact with my followers on Twitter but I just couldn't bring myself to endure another Reunion.

And that my friends is just how I see it.

Take Your Post Modern Prejudices Elsewhere

Sometimes, just sometimes I get so stunned by a reaction I am forced to sit down and put my legal cap on.  To play lawyer to all the sides of the issue to try and get a better understanding of where some folks may be coming from.  Unfortunately, I have been very unsuccessful lately.

With the controversial, offending comments made by the HDIC (Head Dumbass In Charge) of the Duck Dynasty clan about blacks and gays, the Faggot and other offensive remarks uttered by the love child of Saddam Hussein and Hitler, Reza of Shahs of Sunset Fame and now NeNe Leakes little foray into the arena of intolerance I have been just reeling from all the ugliness.

What is my issue you ask?  Well my petite little dumplings of love let Minted tell you.  I was shocked, disgusted, enraged and then through when the Duck dude made his remarks, I was flung to the floor when Reza decided that his deviant, self-loathing self was the self appointed spokesperson for all gays and had to seek medical treatment when he slug the slung the word Faggot at another gay man.  NeNe's remarks about Brandon smacked me in the face.

What bothers me the most about all of this, is that I have to defend my right to be offended.  Yes you heard me right.  I got the Duck Fuckers, those who are fans of the Duck dudes, I got the Retchya's, those who drink the Kool-aide Reza puts out and the SheRa's, those who defend and adore NeNe, coming at me to tell my why I shouldn't be offended and how wrong, racist, and mean I am for stating what offended, why it offended and why I wrong for feeling the way I do.

I defer to my therapist on this.  I quote, "everyone has a right to feel whatever they feel."  What I found most striking about the backlash from my stances on these offenders is that most if not all of the flack I received came from white, heterosexual women.  During the Duckery stuff I heard nothing from anyone other than the white folk.  During Reza I hear stuff like, oh I still like him, he didn't mean it like that.  Now that ex-pole dancer NeNe rears up and decides to go on some tirade about Brandon by emasculating, degrading and dehumanizing him because of his sexuality?

Just for a moment, lets replace the word Queen with the word Nigger or Chink or Spic.  How would anyone from those communities feel?  The would feel outraged and offended.  There would be a scandal to end all scandals right?  As it should be.

So how in the world do I have to explain, defend my right to be offended?  I will give you a little secret.  It came out of the mouth of Mr. Robertson of Duck Dynasty.  He said something like, "oh, I worked in the fields as a boy and never did a black person come up to me and say that they were not happy with white people."  See when the majority likes you, they will even defend you when you are considered weak or as some would say, know your place.  Its when you demand equality, true equality and demand to be treated with respect and dignity that some get their ass on their shoulders.  The don't like it.  They don't see the minority as an equal.

For instance, I have heard time and time again from the str8 community, "Well I accept you."  That unto itself is inherently condescending and therefore speaks of prejudicial biases.  My reply, since coming out completely in 1981, has always been.  I didn't ask for your acceptance but I demand equality so you can stop with your condescending bullshit.  I will not be happy with scraps of equality, I want the entire dinner of equality.  Needless to say the result is never positive.  They just don't get it and what is worse, they don't try to understand it either.

People don't like to face the negative within themselves, I get that.  I grew up in an all white town.  We had one black family and they quickly decided to leave.  It wasn't until I had graduated high school and went off to college that I saw, intimately, people of color and ethnicity other than white.  I was married to a black man for over 10 years.  I learned while in that relationship that while I loved him, I still had to conquer the prejudices I was raised with.  I did see him as less than.  I tried to explain to him why he was followed around stores, he understandably exploded.  It was a therapist whom dealt with mixed race couples who showed me just how prejudiced I was.  It started me on my path of eradicating prejudice from my life, my relationships and my thoughts.  Am I free of prejudices?  No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I catch myself now quicker and change my stinking thinking.  I can recognize now a prejudice within myself in and others.  I wish more people would be open to admitting that, the world would be a much better place.

I understand that a heterosexual wouldn't necessarily find NeNe's comments offensive.  Why would they?  They are not gay.  They have not experienced what I and many others have as homosexuals.  What puzzles me is how ardently, with much vitriol they try to tell me why I am wrong.  Listen people, it has been my experiences as a gay, Jewish man in this fuckered up world that has formed many of my reactions to hate and intolerance.  How can a  non-gay tell a gay man what is or isn't offending?

The struggles for equality are all the same.  Whether your a women, a gay or black.  Its the same.  We want equality.  It gets old always defending my feelings so I have decided to just stop.  I am always open to discussion but I will not engage with intolerance.  If you tell me your offended my first response is to ask why?  Then you may tell me why.  I may or may not agree.  I don't think I have ever tried to tell a person to not be offended.  I offer support and kindness and try to jolly them up but I don't not tell them they are wrong.  Who am I to such a thing?

What most of life comes down to is respect and tolerance.  If you can respect and be tolerant of another without resulting to ugly words or demeaning or degrading behaviors your life will be infinitely happier and easier.  Tolerance and respect seem to be in short supply lately.  Many espouse the admirable qualities of both, but constantly fall short of even attempting to attain a smidgen of either.  These days it appears many talk the talk but very few walk the walk.

From this point on, if you don't agree with why I am offended and outraged over a remark by a star, sports personality, political person or reality celeb, then feel free to say so...but....but do not attempt to tell me I wrong for feeling the way I do.  If you want to tell me I am wrong for being offended you will be removed from my reality and with great speed and without warning.  Know this and don't get it twisted.  I am done dealing with intolerance and disrespect.  Healthy, well-informed discussions between two adults is fine, but calling names, throwing out inflammatory, baseless accusations is not acceptable.

I leave you with this parting sentiment.  When a person tells you they are offended, what they are really saying is something that someone did, said or proposed has hurt them.  Now would you want to say to a person who has been hurt they are wrong for feeling hurt?  Really?

NeNe Is A NoNo

To say that I am offended, disgusted and inflamed is an understatement.  When a person of color, a woman, who is widely accepted and celebrated by the gay community stoops to using prejudicial and homophobic slurs I have to take to the pen, in this case my computer, and speak my mind.

What I witnessed watching the latest two episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta has made my blood run from cold to hot.  To get into the dynamics of this fight other than to say, yes Christopher grabbed Kenya.  Yes, Apollo and Peter brutally attacked Brandon is pointless and will serve to do nothing other than muddy the waters.  Watch the episodes in question and judge for yourself.  My point in writing this blog and for not "live-tweeting" during the show was due to the remarks NeNe made regarding Brandon after the evening from hell during her interview portions of the episode.

NeNe is filmed calling Brandon a "silly queen, girl friend in the red gown, like a queen in a red dress."  Her remarks are offensive to me as a gay man.   Why did NeNe go right to the gay card?  For me, its clear.  She is prejudicial about homosexuality.  She still does, deep down, underneath all the hype and political correctness, view homosexuality as wrong, less than, negatively.  Why else would she use the word queen and refer to Brandon  in a female context?  Simply she was angry and when NeNe gets angry her true colors come out.

What NeNe did would be akin to me calling her a black bitch, a stupid nigga if I was arguing with her.  What I find the most troubling is when I have conflict with a friend their skin color, sexual orientation or ethnicity doesn't pop into my mind, but Brandon's sexuality was the go to point for NeNe .  She will win any argument by any means.  For me, conflict is less about wining and more about understanding.  Yes, I lash out when hurt but I have never ever stooped to calling any of my friends offensive slurs about their skin color or ethnicity.  It never occurs to me.

This is not the first time NeNe has stepped into it with me in regards to her questionable behavior with and around members of my community.  I watched her over compensate with Miss Lady Chablis.  She acted like an idiot in front of living legend within the gay community.  Her side eyes and inferences towards other gays is well documented within the series.

NeNe knows where the money is.  She has courted, embraced and pandered to the gay community and we have responded with unbridled love for all things NeNe Leaks.  What she has done in return is prove herself unworthy of our love and support.  NeNe is a smart woman.  She was raised simply and like Taylor Armstrong, will do whatever is needed to not return back to her humble beginnings.  What I found the most appealing about NeNe is turning out to be her greatest character defects.

I don't know about other gay men and women, but for this gay man, her remarks are a clear and accurate picture of just how she feels and I can no longer support her or any of work.  She has proven to me, beyond any doubt to be dishonest and homophobic in her belief structure.  She is simply not allowed to use words like Queen, Girlfriend when referring to a gay man.  No more than I am allowed to call her a Nigga when referring to her.  Its wrong.  What goes on between gay or blacks is off limits unless your part of that community.  I don't care how much she thinks she is Queen of All The Hags, she is simply not allowed.   Her attacking a gay man for being gay, trying to paint him as less than a man because he is gay and not based on his actions illustrate just how ugly a person she is.

I want to respond to her remarks in kind but I cannot even stoop to that level.  I want to call her all kinds of things and say witty, funny remarks to degrade her but I refuse to take the focus off of her actions.  Instead, I offer an open letter to NeNe, which I will be sending to her.

NeNe, 

Hi, my name is Lucien.  I have been a supporter and fan of yours for years.  I supported you because I thought you were a friend and ally to the gay community.  Your behavior on Real Housewives of Atlanta this season show you to be ignorant and intolerant of gays.  These are two qualities I cannot overlook nor endorse.  

I may not be a major player in the entertainment industry.  My blog is of no real consequence.  I am just a simple gay man living in a small town who was incredibly shocked and appalled by your remarks and can no longer be a fan of yours nor support you by watching any program, product or appearance your involved with.  This may not mean much to you but for me its the end.  

I am sure there are many others who feel like I do.  Many who are gay and even gay friendly are sure to have found your intolerant and ugly remarks appalling.  One thing NeNe I have always found is that whatever goes up always comes down.  How fast and how hard the descent depends on what type of person you are.  I find your character lacks depth and honesty.  Instead of sighting Brandon's behaviors as a problem for you, you attempted to belittle, degrade and dehumanize him based solely on his sexuality and that is beyond wrong.  Especially from a woman and a woman of color.  I would think you of all people would know how it feels to be judged and treated less than based on one aspect of the person you are.

Your friends use offensive gay slurs, you, yourself  have used them and for me its just not acceptable.  I hope you find someway to atone for your actions.  I hope you seek out some help so that you can understand and grow beyond the ignorant and intolerant person you have shown yourself to be.  

Signed, Your Ex-Biggest Fan,

Lucien  

I don't know if my blog or even a letter will register with NeNe.  She seems consumed with money and will continue her outrageous behavior until she is told NO.  I love a witty/snarky remark or a well timed one liner, but NeNe has pushed the envelope to far...in fact, said envelope is now on the floor.  What keeps going through my mind is NeNe and her remarks about working in the clubs as a stripper.  She found nothing wrong with her behavior but was quick to point out the flaws in others.  I really think NeNe is caught in some kind of Existential Crisis of mythic proportions.  NeNe get help.  You can run from the unwanted, dark skinned, little girl for the rest of your life but you will never get away from her, she is you and you are her.  Stop looking outward and delve inward.  Heal what needs to be healed, learn what needs to be learnt and grow into a better person. 

Emotional Banking

The holidays are over.  The packages in the trash.  The aftermath of the holiday season can leave many with a sense of loss or loneliness.  This year, many in my own life were stunned when I announced this would be the last year I would be celebrating Thanksgiving and Chanukah.  My normal frenzy of cooking, temple and trying to get warring factions within my little group of family and friends would be no more.  This was more of process than a decision.  I don't know exactly when it occurred to me I was emotionally investing into people and situations which were were not providing any return back.

Emotional banking or investing in others is not so much about tit for tat, but rather the give and take which should be a part of any relationship you might have.  In a family, friendships, at work, neighbors, there is always a give and take aspect to the dynamic.  It is normal and healthy.  What I found in my own life was I have spent most of my time giving and then making excuses as to why those in my life were unable to give back.

I don't know if it was my own insecurities which set the stage for this to become such a prevalent theme or the abuse I suffered as a child?  It really doesn't matter because this is now and what has been and what will be do not matter.  What matters is the here and now.  How does the saying go, "yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is dream...what we have is the present."  This is very true.  Many people tend to focus on how things went wrong, which can be helpful, but really its the present they want to change and to effect change we have to be present in the present (holy shit that was trippy little sentence, huh?).

As I look back over my life, I see myself always doing the calling, making plans, gathering those I consider special around me.  I am the friend you call to help you move, the arms you fall into when your partner has left you.  I am the bank you get loans from when you fall short.  I am the central figure in most of the lives of my genetic family and my family of choice.  What I have realized over the last several years of putting my own life back together, downsizing, and re-evaluating my own purpose in life is just how alone I have been.

As many of you know, in 2001 I suffered several deaths which lead me to have a physical, mental and emotional breakdown.  It has been from this "cosmic meltdown" I have been resurrecting, refocusing and renewing my life.  It has been this journey to be more authentic, more present which has lead me to make what some would call radical changes.  These changes might seem silly to some but they have become the litmus test for entry into my life.

Most of life I have come at life as feeling less than, unworthy.  As such I felt the need to do or to emotionally buy my worthiness from others.  Saying I was used by people would be easy but very, very incorrect.  I have to own my part in creating the atmosphere which lead others to come into my life and reap the rewards of my friendship, love and not have to give back.  I would say we are equally responsible.  Wouldn't you?

In making the conscious decision to change my life, I have found the analogy of acting roles to be the most accurate way to describe where and what I am doing.  I tell people life is a play.  We are assigned, volunteer for certain roles which we play during our lives.  I was changing my role within the play of my life.  I was no longer going to be playing the role of the "Doer" but rather I wanted to start playing the role of "Equal".  In metaphorical terms, as in life, when an actor is well known for a role, there is the risk of being typecast.  I noticed it was hard for people to adjust, to relate to me in my new and not really defined role as equal.  People, in my experience, tend to be resistant to change.  This resistance is where most of the conflict came and comes from.  I found I was typecast in the role of Doer.

As I plodded along in my new role, getting my feet wet and defining as I went along I noticed many of my so called "dear and near to my heart friends" were continually falling off the radar.  Either through conflict or neglect they were not present.  In evaluating why they were not around I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't initiate or do, they were not around.  A couple of times I would even go as far as to step back into the role of caretaker or workman to see if I did for someone if they would be around more and the outcome was always the same.  If I did, they were around.  If I needed and expected something, they fled.

Noticing this, as I always do, I couldn't find a word or phrase to accurate convey what I was thinking.  I found it hard to explain to my therapist or friends what I was discovering.  One day while trying to explain to a friend why I had not sent a gift and card for their birthday I told them our emotional account was empty and because I didn't want to be the only one making deposits into our joint account I didn't feel the need to send a gift.  Side note, my birthday had been forgotten.  I didn't even get a call.  A point which when I conveyed it to my friend was disregarded outright.  I tried to explain to my friend that relationships need to be tended by both parties to be successful and healthy.  I told him I had not noticed any effort on his part to nurture, love or tend to me or our friendship.  He was stunned.  He quickly made some lame excuse to get me off the phone and to date, I have not heard high nor hare of him.  Many of the so called friends in my life have exited in a very similar manner.  It has been hard, but I am committed to not having unhealthy relationships in my life.

Emotional banking has become a major part of the reconstruction of my life.  No longer will I allow myself to be the only one making emotional investments into people, relationships.  I have noticed I have gone from a person with a great many friends and family to almost a solo act.  I don't cook for the holidays anymore.  I don't organize and throw great parties.  I don't do any of it anymore.  I am only interested in people of want to be around me and are willing to do the work to get the rewards of my friendship.  I know I am a good friend, a good partner and a good family member.  Its time for those in my life and those who wish to be in my life to step up and contribute.

As I sit at my desk and write this, I wonder how many people will not understand how it is to be considered the "Doer"?  How many will think I am just being selfish or conceited.  Then it hits I just don't care anymore what others think of me.  I care what I think about myself.  What is important and what I wish to share is the journey of self discovery, empowerment and eventually freeing oneself from the chains of self bondage many of us impose on ourselves.  I have, will and continue to strive to define, cherish and evolve myself.  Emotional banking has helped me to get rid of some dead weight, see myself in a clearer way and in the end, isn't peace and happiness within ourselves what every person wants?

The few equal relationships I have now are treasured.  They are tended and I derive great pleasure from them.  The people who have remained are truly friends.  They have embraced me, my journey and have loved and supported me all along the way.  For this I consider myself a truly blessed person.  One friend recently said to me, after a particularly rough night with my sister, "a true friend only wants what is best for you, even if it comes at their expense."  I don't think truer words have ever been spoken.

Take a look around your life.  Do you find you do most of the work in your relationships?  Are you the one doing the calling, the doer, the initiator?  Or, are you the one who is recipient of your friends labor?  If you were to use a numerical scale, would your relationships total up to equal?  Emotional banking is not about matching dollar for dollar or minute for minute or effort to effort, but rather about people standing shoulder to shoulder and actually being 50% of a relationship.  Just as you cannot write a $150 check on a bank account in which you only deposited $25, you cannot expect the other person to be doing all the giving.  Life is a wacky journey.  There are times in all of our lives when one person is calmer, has more time or what have you and the other persons needs are more.  Its when the roles of a relationship become stagnant and not fluid where trouble begins.  Relationships need both people to be present and tending to one of life's greatest gifts, companionship.

Take a little inventory of your own life.  Be more aware of your role, the roles of those in your life.  Tend to the relationships in which you are an equal and address those in which you are not.  Remember to be your true and authentic self and that all are worthy or love and respect.  Happy New Year!