The holidays are over. The packages in the trash. The aftermath of the holiday season can leave many with a sense of loss or loneliness. This year, many in my own life were stunned when I announced this would be the last year I would be celebrating Thanksgiving and Chanukah. My normal frenzy of cooking, temple and trying to get warring factions within my little group of family and friends would be no more. This was more of process than a decision. I don't know exactly when it occurred to me I was emotionally investing into people and situations which were were not providing any return back.
Emotional banking or investing in others is not so much about tit for tat, but rather the give and take which should be a part of any relationship you might have. In a family, friendships, at work, neighbors, there is always a give and take aspect to the dynamic. It is normal and healthy. What I found in my own life was I have spent most of my time giving and then making excuses as to why those in my life were unable to give back.
I don't know if it was my own insecurities which set the stage for this to become such a prevalent theme or the abuse I suffered as a child? It really doesn't matter because this is now and what has been and what will be do not matter. What matters is the here and now. How does the saying go, "yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is dream...what we have is the present." This is very true. Many people tend to focus on how things went wrong, which can be helpful, but really its the present they want to change and to effect change we have to be present in the present (holy shit that was trippy little sentence, huh?).
As I look back over my life, I see myself always doing the calling, making plans, gathering those I consider special around me. I am the friend you call to help you move, the arms you fall into when your partner has left you. I am the bank you get loans from when you fall short. I am the central figure in most of the lives of my genetic family and my family of choice. What I have realized over the last several years of putting my own life back together, downsizing, and re-evaluating my own purpose in life is just how alone I have been.
As many of you know, in 2001 I suffered several deaths which lead me to have a physical, mental and emotional breakdown. It has been from this "cosmic meltdown" I have been resurrecting, refocusing and renewing my life. It has been this journey to be more authentic, more present which has lead me to make what some would call radical changes. These changes might seem silly to some but they have become the litmus test for entry into my life.
Most of life I have come at life as feeling less than, unworthy. As such I felt the need to do or to emotionally buy my worthiness from others. Saying I was used by people would be easy but very, very incorrect. I have to own my part in creating the atmosphere which lead others to come into my life and reap the rewards of my friendship, love and not have to give back. I would say we are equally responsible. Wouldn't you?
In making the conscious decision to change my life, I have found the analogy of acting roles to be the most accurate way to describe where and what I am doing. I tell people life is a play. We are assigned, volunteer for certain roles which we play during our lives. I was changing my role within the play of my life. I was no longer going to be playing the role of the "Doer" but rather I wanted to start playing the role of "Equal". In metaphorical terms, as in life, when an actor is well known for a role, there is the risk of being typecast. I noticed it was hard for people to adjust, to relate to me in my new and not really defined role as equal. People, in my experience, tend to be resistant to change. This resistance is where most of the conflict came and comes from. I found I was typecast in the role of Doer.
As I plodded along in my new role, getting my feet wet and defining as I went along I noticed many of my so called "dear and near to my heart friends" were continually falling off the radar. Either through conflict or neglect they were not present. In evaluating why they were not around I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't initiate or do, they were not around. A couple of times I would even go as far as to step back into the role of caretaker or workman to see if I did for someone if they would be around more and the outcome was always the same. If I did, they were around. If I needed and expected something, they fled.
Noticing this, as I always do, I couldn't find a word or phrase to accurate convey what I was thinking. I found it hard to explain to my therapist or friends what I was discovering. One day while trying to explain to a friend why I had not sent a gift and card for their birthday I told them our emotional account was empty and because I didn't want to be the only one making deposits into our joint account I didn't feel the need to send a gift. Side note, my birthday had been forgotten. I didn't even get a call. A point which when I conveyed it to my friend was disregarded outright. I tried to explain to my friend that relationships need to be tended by both parties to be successful and healthy. I told him I had not noticed any effort on his part to nurture, love or tend to me or our friendship. He was stunned. He quickly made some lame excuse to get me off the phone and to date, I have not heard high nor hare of him. Many of the so called friends in my life have exited in a very similar manner. It has been hard, but I am committed to not having unhealthy relationships in my life.
Emotional banking has become a major part of the reconstruction of my life. No longer will I allow myself to be the only one making emotional investments into people, relationships. I have noticed I have gone from a person with a great many friends and family to almost a solo act. I don't cook for the holidays anymore. I don't organize and throw great parties. I don't do any of it anymore. I am only interested in people of want to be around me and are willing to do the work to get the rewards of my friendship. I know I am a good friend, a good partner and a good family member. Its time for those in my life and those who wish to be in my life to step up and contribute.
As I sit at my desk and write this, I wonder how many people will not understand how it is to be considered the "Doer"? How many will think I am just being selfish or conceited. Then it hits I just don't care anymore what others think of me. I care what I think about myself. What is important and what I wish to share is the journey of self discovery, empowerment and eventually freeing oneself from the chains of self bondage many of us impose on ourselves. I have, will and continue to strive to define, cherish and evolve myself. Emotional banking has helped me to get rid of some dead weight, see myself in a clearer way and in the end, isn't peace and happiness within ourselves what every person wants?
The few equal relationships I have now are treasured. They are tended and I derive great pleasure from them. The people who have remained are truly friends. They have embraced me, my journey and have loved and supported me all along the way. For this I consider myself a truly blessed person. One friend recently said to me, after a particularly rough night with my sister, "a true friend only wants what is best for you, even if it comes at their expense." I don't think truer words have ever been spoken.
Take a look around your life. Do you find you do most of the work in your relationships? Are you the one doing the calling, the doer, the initiator? Or, are you the one who is recipient of your friends labor? If you were to use a numerical scale, would your relationships total up to equal? Emotional banking is not about matching dollar for dollar or minute for minute or effort to effort, but rather about people standing shoulder to shoulder and actually being 50% of a relationship. Just as you cannot write a $150 check on a bank account in which you only deposited $25, you cannot expect the other person to be doing all the giving. Life is a wacky journey. There are times in all of our lives when one person is calmer, has more time or what have you and the other persons needs are more. Its when the roles of a relationship become stagnant and not fluid where trouble begins. Relationships need both people to be present and tending to one of life's greatest gifts, companionship.
Take a little inventory of your own life. Be more aware of your role, the roles of those in your life. Tend to the relationships in which you are an equal and address those in which you are not. Remember to be your true and authentic self and that all are worthy or love and respect. Happy New Year!
