Is Love Too Strong A Word?

Three days now I have been jotting down thoughts, feelings and just random things which pop into my head regarding this blog.  Its a tough one for me.  My mother, the woman who birthed me and then went on to beat, verbally abuse and make me the mental/social equivalent of a stale muffin is dying.  I have spent many years trying to deal with the scars left by her.  To this day I carry the physical and emotional scars.  Years of therapy to get over the night terrors, my inability to feel or receive love have left me on par emotionally with a rock.

A few years ago I wrote a blog, Open Letter To Mom.  I also forwarded a copy to my mother.  In this letter/blog I told her that she no longer had a place in my life.  I also told her what I felt she needed to hear from me.  I would no longer carry the shame of what she did.  I placed the blame firmly back where it belonged, on her.  I told her I wished she would get the help she so sorely needed and expressed my hope she would find some peace and maybe even happiness in life.  My blog received a lot of very positive feedback from the public.  My mother sent me back an email with just two words in it, "You're crazy!"

Five years have passed since that final break.  I have continued to heal from all the physical and sexual abuse (she is still in contact with the man who raped me)  I actually have some measurable self-esteem/worth now.  The night terrors are slowly stopping.  I believe my relationships are healthier.  I am always amazed how my life has improved without her in it.  While the physical abuse stopped when I left home, the mental and emotional never really stopped until I decided she really didn't have a place in my life.  Five years.  Five years which have been so filled with happy and some sad times.  I feel like a completely different person now.

So you can imagine my shock and complete lack of ability to deal with the news of her being ill and most likely getting ready to die.  This never entered my mind.  I was mad, glad, sad and stunned all at once and it has taken me days to sift through all the feelings this has raised.

One the one hand this is my mother.  My initial reaction was to feel sad.  This is my mother!  We are supposed to feel sad when a parent dies...right?  Then I feel the anger.  Why should I feel sad when this woman has done nothing but torment her children?  No, I refuse to feel sad for her.  Back and forth I went for days.  Feeling guilty for still feeling such strong anger towards her.  Beating myself up for being the "bad, worthless piece of shit, sick fuck" (her terms for me) and not rushing to her side to make her passing easier for her.

This is all so new.  So untried and untested for me.  There is tons of support for those who have parents who are abusive but I have never heard of any support groups or ways to deal with the death of ones abuser?  Stumped me there wizard.  I always thought I would feel some sort of relief when I learned she was dead/dying.  The source of so much pain in my life would be gone.  Instead I find myself full of contradictions and absolutely no relief.

The good person in me.  The soft, kind, loving me wants to be there.  To help her die peacefully.  The scared little boy wants to run and hide, as I so often did when she would get into one of her "moods."  I want to yell at her and make her understand all the damage she did.  I want her to really feel sorry and say so!  None of this will happen.  None of it.  Instead, I am left, as is always the case with her, holding a bag of pain.  I will be left to deal with the aftermath of her behaviors.  To search and hopefully find a place of healing again.

I love my mother.  Its there.  I think part of the cycle of abuse is that we are taught to love those who abuse us.  Also it is quite normal to love a parent.  For many of us survivors, its hard to admit we still love those who hurt us so deeply. I do, I love her in spite of all the pain she caused.  I promised myself many years ago I would not let the pain of my childhood cause me to become like her and I won't.  If our roles were reversed, she would not still love me.  So I feel good in knowing that I am so different from her.

The question which remains is, so where do I go from here?  Miss Manners really missed out on this type of situation.  There are not charted courses for me to glean a path from.  There are the ugly details of death to deal with.  The funeral, the dividing up of her estate.  The cleaning out of her belongings.  Who is going to take her animals (poor bastards, they need some peace)?  My sister has stated she wants no part of anything to do with our mother.  She will not even discuss her feelings.  My sister tends to bury and stuff anything which hurts her.  I am the emotional one.  I just don't know how to react or deal with any of this.

Knowing my mother, she has never altered her Last Will and Testament.  Its the same will which she and my father made 45 years ago.  Normally I would not even give it a second thought.  This is not a normal situation and the fact that my mother is extremely wealthy and the estate is going to be very sizable only adds to the quandary.  The question begging to be asked is, "is it wrong to want to inherit money and property from a person I love but at the same time loath?  Is that blood money?

My mother is still clinging to life as of the writing of this blog.  I still do not believe it is in my best interests to go to see her.  I am still sitting her at my desk, looking out my window and feeling all the conflicted feelings within me.  I know whatever happens, I have a huge amount of work both emotionally and physically to do.

I cannot help but feel sad.  Sad for her because she has led a miserable life full of grief and pain.  Sad for me because I didn't get a loving and supportive mother.  Sad for my sister who in her own way has yet to deal with any of the trauma our mother caused.  Maybe this is the ending of one stage of life and the beginning of another?  Maybe I will get to do some healing which could never have happened while she was alive?  Maybe I will be left with all of the unanswered questions I have always had and probably some more?

This is what I do know.  I know I have the power to not let this woman continue to damage and hurt me.  This is her death and not mine.  I will continue to grow and evolve as a human being.  I will love, laugh, cry and be mad.  I will strive to be at peace within myself and nothing she does and has done will ever make me stray from that path.

In closing, Mom...I hope your not in pain.  I want you to know I love you and always will.  I hope you find some peace and that your passing is easy.  I am sorry I cannot come and be with you.  I have to take care of me now and it is not good for me to be around you.  I hope for mercy for you.  Love, Your Son.