Take Your Post Modern Prejudices Elsewhere

Sometimes, just sometimes I get so stunned by a reaction I am forced to sit down and put my legal cap on.  To play lawyer to all the sides of the issue to try and get a better understanding of where some folks may be coming from.  Unfortunately, I have been very unsuccessful lately.

With the controversial, offending comments made by the HDIC (Head Dumbass In Charge) of the Duck Dynasty clan about blacks and gays, the Faggot and other offensive remarks uttered by the love child of Saddam Hussein and Hitler, Reza of Shahs of Sunset Fame and now NeNe Leakes little foray into the arena of intolerance I have been just reeling from all the ugliness.

What is my issue you ask?  Well my petite little dumplings of love let Minted tell you.  I was shocked, disgusted, enraged and then through when the Duck dude made his remarks, I was flung to the floor when Reza decided that his deviant, self-loathing self was the self appointed spokesperson for all gays and had to seek medical treatment when he slug the slung the word Faggot at another gay man.  NeNe's remarks about Brandon smacked me in the face.

What bothers me the most about all of this, is that I have to defend my right to be offended.  Yes you heard me right.  I got the Duck Fuckers, those who are fans of the Duck dudes, I got the Retchya's, those who drink the Kool-aide Reza puts out and the SheRa's, those who defend and adore NeNe, coming at me to tell my why I shouldn't be offended and how wrong, racist, and mean I am for stating what offended, why it offended and why I wrong for feeling the way I do.

I defer to my therapist on this.  I quote, "everyone has a right to feel whatever they feel."  What I found most striking about the backlash from my stances on these offenders is that most if not all of the flack I received came from white, heterosexual women.  During the Duckery stuff I heard nothing from anyone other than the white folk.  During Reza I hear stuff like, oh I still like him, he didn't mean it like that.  Now that ex-pole dancer NeNe rears up and decides to go on some tirade about Brandon by emasculating, degrading and dehumanizing him because of his sexuality?

Just for a moment, lets replace the word Queen with the word Nigger or Chink or Spic.  How would anyone from those communities feel?  The would feel outraged and offended.  There would be a scandal to end all scandals right?  As it should be.

So how in the world do I have to explain, defend my right to be offended?  I will give you a little secret.  It came out of the mouth of Mr. Robertson of Duck Dynasty.  He said something like, "oh, I worked in the fields as a boy and never did a black person come up to me and say that they were not happy with white people."  See when the majority likes you, they will even defend you when you are considered weak or as some would say, know your place.  Its when you demand equality, true equality and demand to be treated with respect and dignity that some get their ass on their shoulders.  The don't like it.  They don't see the minority as an equal.

For instance, I have heard time and time again from the str8 community, "Well I accept you."  That unto itself is inherently condescending and therefore speaks of prejudicial biases.  My reply, since coming out completely in 1981, has always been.  I didn't ask for your acceptance but I demand equality so you can stop with your condescending bullshit.  I will not be happy with scraps of equality, I want the entire dinner of equality.  Needless to say the result is never positive.  They just don't get it and what is worse, they don't try to understand it either.

People don't like to face the negative within themselves, I get that.  I grew up in an all white town.  We had one black family and they quickly decided to leave.  It wasn't until I had graduated high school and went off to college that I saw, intimately, people of color and ethnicity other than white.  I was married to a black man for over 10 years.  I learned while in that relationship that while I loved him, I still had to conquer the prejudices I was raised with.  I did see him as less than.  I tried to explain to him why he was followed around stores, he understandably exploded.  It was a therapist whom dealt with mixed race couples who showed me just how prejudiced I was.  It started me on my path of eradicating prejudice from my life, my relationships and my thoughts.  Am I free of prejudices?  No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I catch myself now quicker and change my stinking thinking.  I can recognize now a prejudice within myself in and others.  I wish more people would be open to admitting that, the world would be a much better place.

I understand that a heterosexual wouldn't necessarily find NeNe's comments offensive.  Why would they?  They are not gay.  They have not experienced what I and many others have as homosexuals.  What puzzles me is how ardently, with much vitriol they try to tell me why I am wrong.  Listen people, it has been my experiences as a gay, Jewish man in this fuckered up world that has formed many of my reactions to hate and intolerance.  How can a  non-gay tell a gay man what is or isn't offending?

The struggles for equality are all the same.  Whether your a women, a gay or black.  Its the same.  We want equality.  It gets old always defending my feelings so I have decided to just stop.  I am always open to discussion but I will not engage with intolerance.  If you tell me your offended my first response is to ask why?  Then you may tell me why.  I may or may not agree.  I don't think I have ever tried to tell a person to not be offended.  I offer support and kindness and try to jolly them up but I don't not tell them they are wrong.  Who am I to such a thing?

What most of life comes down to is respect and tolerance.  If you can respect and be tolerant of another without resulting to ugly words or demeaning or degrading behaviors your life will be infinitely happier and easier.  Tolerance and respect seem to be in short supply lately.  Many espouse the admirable qualities of both, but constantly fall short of even attempting to attain a smidgen of either.  These days it appears many talk the talk but very few walk the walk.

From this point on, if you don't agree with why I am offended and outraged over a remark by a star, sports personality, political person or reality celeb, then feel free to say so...but....but do not attempt to tell me I wrong for feeling the way I do.  If you want to tell me I am wrong for being offended you will be removed from my reality and with great speed and without warning.  Know this and don't get it twisted.  I am done dealing with intolerance and disrespect.  Healthy, well-informed discussions between two adults is fine, but calling names, throwing out inflammatory, baseless accusations is not acceptable.

I leave you with this parting sentiment.  When a person tells you they are offended, what they are really saying is something that someone did, said or proposed has hurt them.  Now would you want to say to a person who has been hurt they are wrong for feeling hurt?  Really?

NeNe Is A NoNo

To say that I am offended, disgusted and inflamed is an understatement.  When a person of color, a woman, who is widely accepted and celebrated by the gay community stoops to using prejudicial and homophobic slurs I have to take to the pen, in this case my computer, and speak my mind.

What I witnessed watching the latest two episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta has made my blood run from cold to hot.  To get into the dynamics of this fight other than to say, yes Christopher grabbed Kenya.  Yes, Apollo and Peter brutally attacked Brandon is pointless and will serve to do nothing other than muddy the waters.  Watch the episodes in question and judge for yourself.  My point in writing this blog and for not "live-tweeting" during the show was due to the remarks NeNe made regarding Brandon after the evening from hell during her interview portions of the episode.

NeNe is filmed calling Brandon a "silly queen, girl friend in the red gown, like a queen in a red dress."  Her remarks are offensive to me as a gay man.   Why did NeNe go right to the gay card?  For me, its clear.  She is prejudicial about homosexuality.  She still does, deep down, underneath all the hype and political correctness, view homosexuality as wrong, less than, negatively.  Why else would she use the word queen and refer to Brandon  in a female context?  Simply she was angry and when NeNe gets angry her true colors come out.

What NeNe did would be akin to me calling her a black bitch, a stupid nigga if I was arguing with her.  What I find the most troubling is when I have conflict with a friend their skin color, sexual orientation or ethnicity doesn't pop into my mind, but Brandon's sexuality was the go to point for NeNe .  She will win any argument by any means.  For me, conflict is less about wining and more about understanding.  Yes, I lash out when hurt but I have never ever stooped to calling any of my friends offensive slurs about their skin color or ethnicity.  It never occurs to me.

This is not the first time NeNe has stepped into it with me in regards to her questionable behavior with and around members of my community.  I watched her over compensate with Miss Lady Chablis.  She acted like an idiot in front of living legend within the gay community.  Her side eyes and inferences towards other gays is well documented within the series.

NeNe knows where the money is.  She has courted, embraced and pandered to the gay community and we have responded with unbridled love for all things NeNe Leaks.  What she has done in return is prove herself unworthy of our love and support.  NeNe is a smart woman.  She was raised simply and like Taylor Armstrong, will do whatever is needed to not return back to her humble beginnings.  What I found the most appealing about NeNe is turning out to be her greatest character defects.

I don't know about other gay men and women, but for this gay man, her remarks are a clear and accurate picture of just how she feels and I can no longer support her or any of work.  She has proven to me, beyond any doubt to be dishonest and homophobic in her belief structure.  She is simply not allowed to use words like Queen, Girlfriend when referring to a gay man.  No more than I am allowed to call her a Nigga when referring to her.  Its wrong.  What goes on between gay or blacks is off limits unless your part of that community.  I don't care how much she thinks she is Queen of All The Hags, she is simply not allowed.   Her attacking a gay man for being gay, trying to paint him as less than a man because he is gay and not based on his actions illustrate just how ugly a person she is.

I want to respond to her remarks in kind but I cannot even stoop to that level.  I want to call her all kinds of things and say witty, funny remarks to degrade her but I refuse to take the focus off of her actions.  Instead, I offer an open letter to NeNe, which I will be sending to her.

NeNe, 

Hi, my name is Lucien.  I have been a supporter and fan of yours for years.  I supported you because I thought you were a friend and ally to the gay community.  Your behavior on Real Housewives of Atlanta this season show you to be ignorant and intolerant of gays.  These are two qualities I cannot overlook nor endorse.  

I may not be a major player in the entertainment industry.  My blog is of no real consequence.  I am just a simple gay man living in a small town who was incredibly shocked and appalled by your remarks and can no longer be a fan of yours nor support you by watching any program, product or appearance your involved with.  This may not mean much to you but for me its the end.  

I am sure there are many others who feel like I do.  Many who are gay and even gay friendly are sure to have found your intolerant and ugly remarks appalling.  One thing NeNe I have always found is that whatever goes up always comes down.  How fast and how hard the descent depends on what type of person you are.  I find your character lacks depth and honesty.  Instead of sighting Brandon's behaviors as a problem for you, you attempted to belittle, degrade and dehumanize him based solely on his sexuality and that is beyond wrong.  Especially from a woman and a woman of color.  I would think you of all people would know how it feels to be judged and treated less than based on one aspect of the person you are.

Your friends use offensive gay slurs, you, yourself  have used them and for me its just not acceptable.  I hope you find someway to atone for your actions.  I hope you seek out some help so that you can understand and grow beyond the ignorant and intolerant person you have shown yourself to be.  

Signed, Your Ex-Biggest Fan,

Lucien  

I don't know if my blog or even a letter will register with NeNe.  She seems consumed with money and will continue her outrageous behavior until she is told NO.  I love a witty/snarky remark or a well timed one liner, but NeNe has pushed the envelope to far...in fact, said envelope is now on the floor.  What keeps going through my mind is NeNe and her remarks about working in the clubs as a stripper.  She found nothing wrong with her behavior but was quick to point out the flaws in others.  I really think NeNe is caught in some kind of Existential Crisis of mythic proportions.  NeNe get help.  You can run from the unwanted, dark skinned, little girl for the rest of your life but you will never get away from her, she is you and you are her.  Stop looking outward and delve inward.  Heal what needs to be healed, learn what needs to be learnt and grow into a better person.