As some of you may know I recently went through a long and very protracted pissing match with my cable provider, Optimum/Cablevision. It was an ugly fight that ended up with me canceling all of their services save one...internet. I did actually cancel all three, including internet but the buffoons over at Frontier Communications couldn't deliver the 12 mbps they said they could for the $44.95 they were going to charge me. So much for the honest, talking Buffalo. So I went begrudgingly back to Optimum for my internet and the $59.95 they are gang raping me per month to have said internet.
Needless to say, I have cut the cord. I no longer have cable and the accompanying VOIP telephone. Has anyone ever stopped to consider that a VOIP (Voice Over Internet Protocol) telephone couldn't work without the internet I already paid for??? That not only was the cable company charging me $60 for the internet, they decided to rob me again for another $39.90 for the phone! Oh yes I could have gotten one of those VOIP's like Basic Talk, Net Duo or such, but really, with a cell phone lately, who needs a landline, and really, is a VOIP phone a true landline? NO, its not. When the cable goes out, so does the internet and so does your phone.
In the end it was a giant rip-off. I was paying $140.00 a month for cable, and not even the premium channels, just basic plus one tier up, internet and a phone that used my internet that I paid for to work. Just a huge bill for basically a handful of channels that I actually watched and a phone I barely used. I use some internet now, don't get me wrong. For what I pay, I probably used between 10 and 30 megabytes per month, depending on my level of depression and hence use of Netflix and Hulu. I get my money's worth on internet.
So what to do with no cable you ask? Well I have two flat screen, high def. TV's so I bought an antennae. This one antennae cost me $60 bucks and sits on the wall in my living room behind a giant mirror I have. This one antennae provides reception for both of my TV's, the one in the bedroom and the one in the living room. I get 17 channels. I get ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, ANT TV, CW, THIS TV, 3 PBS stations and each of the major channels I get three choices. Say for CBS, I get the local feed, the NYC feed and a all news channel. The same for all the rest of the big 4. I couldn't be happier with these channels.
To begin with, the signal is not compressed like it was on cable or even satellite. Both cable companies and satellite companies compress the signal down to save on bandwidth. All this accomplishes is a picture on your very expensive TV that is not true 1080i high def quality. Nor is the sound true 5.1 stereo on cable and statellite systems. This is not the case with Over the air or OTA broadcasts. I was shocked when I plugged my little antennae in and woosh there was a picture I never got from Optimum. I was even more shocked when I heard the sound come out of my sound bar I have attached to the TV. Some channels which are OTA do not broadcast in 1080i, some broadcast in 480 or 780i, but for some reason the picture quality is just better.
With my 17 OTA channels I have Netflix and Hulu along with Amazon Video, and I access all of these services and many more through my Roku Stick. All done told, I pay $23.00 a month for these services. With Hulu I am up to date on all of my regular shows, and yes dear reader, even Bravo is now on Hulu.
With my cutting of the cord I have gained control back over my viewing life. I watch what I want, when I want and pay almost nothing for this seemingly wonderful control. I have a DVR on my main TV and my bedroom TV allows me to record to a USB memory stick anything that plays on my TV. I have Google Chromecast in the bedroom so I am also able to lie in bed and veg on Netflix for days on end. I finally have the control over me and what I view and I don't pay for what I don't use.
In cutting the cord, I did go through withdrawal from Bravo. The ladies and their fighting. Tre and her back to the big house BS and Brandi stumbling through yet another season of Real Assholes of Beverly Hills. Then something happened. I discovered other TV shows which were on Hulu and Netflix. Black Is The New Orange, Scandal, Spartacus. All well written, funny, suspenseful shows with HAWT boys and devilish gals. Where was I when these shows were coming out? I was lost in the land of Andy, my eye is lazy and I love ruining peoples lives and filming it happen, Cohen. I cannot believe all the good shows I watch now. I feel like I have awakened from a coma.
I have heard from several followers they miss my snarky comments during the shows and truly I do miss banging on those messy broads. To continue to do so was sort of like kicking a bitch while they are down. They are way too easy to snark on. My nights now are better spent watching TV shows I may have missed while watching Downton Abbey. Through my Roku stick I have access to FX, Lifetime, TLC and etc. CBS, NBC and MSNBC all have 24 hour feeds on the latest news. I even have Sirius on the Roku. I listen to Pandora and have access to the BBC and SkyNews.
I am not some Zombie for Cohen and Bravo. I watch things now as they fit into my schedule. I feel free. I am not into the Housewives much. I occasionally will pull up an episode on HULU and then I remember why I don't like them anymore. I see the tweets go by. I hear the chatter on FB about them. I am waiting for another casualty like Russell Armstrong to happen. Kim or Brandi seem to be the most likely candidates. Tre is in jail and the Snooki-ish sisters of RHONJ showed the world they are not really wrong about New Jersey. Trust me, someone on the shows will get hurt and maybe even die. The shows are wrong. The lives of those on the shows are unraveling at an alarming rate. Kyle and "her gays", like we are dogs, Reza calling other gay men, Faggot...yeah...I'm out.
This is what I have accomplished since cutting the cord. I have painted my kitchen and bedroom. I have sewn and recovered a chair in my living room. I found a MAN, an actual living MAN. We got to know each other through talking. I am actually moving from Connecticut to Wisconsin to be with him. I would have never met him if I had been rushing home to catch and live tweet the shows. Our paths would never have crossed. We share our love of Scandal and Stalker.
I have all but paid for the truck that will take my stuff to WI from all the money I saved from not having cable. I save over a $150 a month in not having cable. I will never go back to cable. Optimum could never get a bill to be the same each month even though my services never changed. There is no more having to sit down and go over the bill to see where they fucked up and having to climb the food chain until I got the right supervisor to clean up the mess the billing department created. I don't get twitchy when the cable bill comes....its the same every month now. $59.95, no taxes on internet...it never changes...for once.
My man and I share the cost of Netflix and Hulu. We each pay for one service and I pay for Amazon Prime anyhow, so it works out well. Besides the cost, convenience and most of all freedom, I have learned to think and feel again. To be back in the world. I miss the community of people I interacted with, of course, but y'all are still there and I interact with you differently now. I wish everyone would just try to cut the cord....we could really send a message to the cable and satellite companies to change the way they do business. I am now patiently awaiting Google Fiber to come to where I will be living...Google may be taking over the world but they usually give me what I want in product....
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Monday, December 1, 2014
White vs. Brown
Sitting in front of my TV this morning I was watching Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough. He was on a rant about the shooting and death of Michael Brown and how it would have happened to even his own kids. Once again Joe has managed to reach within me and elicit a reaction that I can only describe as anger covered in disgust. I am pissed.
To begin with, how can a white man, an affluent white man comment on the struggles that Blacks in this country face each and every day? How is that even possible? That alone makes me want to reach out and smack the stupid off of him. Secondly, he goes on to call people cowards because, as he says, "I'm sure 97% of America feels the same way he does but are cowards and won't say so." Bullshit Joe. Have you even looked at racial statistics lately? White folks only comprise about 77% of the population. Latins are next with approximately 17% and Blacks 13% of the population. I sincerely doubt Joe the Black and Latin communities have the same take on what happened in Ferguson, MI as you do. Hell, I am whiter than white and I don't have the same opinion as you, thankfully.
He went on to say that Michael Brown "knocked over" a store. If anything, all Michael Brown did was shoplift. Since when does shoplifting give Police the right to shoot to kill an unarmed teen? When? Joe Scarborough is a pompous ass who is known to not be able to keep his dick in his pants and had a dead intern show up in his government office. I listen to very little this fuckwit has to say.
I don't agree with the verdict. I don't agree the cop had the right to shoot to kill and then leave Michael's body in the street for hours. I don't agree with the protesters burning and committing violence in Ferguson. I just don't.
I was married for over 10 years to a Black man. I cannot and will not speak to the black experience in America, the world for that matter, but I can speak to what I feel and what I have seen. In my relationship with my ex, I confronted a lot of different issues. I confronted my own prejudices. Yes I was in a relationship but had prejudices. I was raised white and prejudices are very subtle. I feel I have over come much of the way I was raised. I am aware now of those prejudices and work hard to confront them, work through them and stop them. While in my relationship I have watched as my husband was followed in stores. How we were constantly stopped while he was driving in West Hartford, CT, a predominately white, Jewish town, because he must be a drug dealer because he was black and I a drug user because I was white. I have watched as people have discriminated against him in housing, employment and socially because of the color of his skin. I cannot even being to understand the anger he and other Blacks must feel every day. I cannot. I know my anger when I saw the person I loved, a college graduate get passed over for jobs and advancement not because he wasn't doing a good job or could of done a good job, but because he was Black. I have to say, if I were Black, I don't think I would be even remotely as nice and tolerant of racism as most Blacks are. I know as a Jew I get damn pissed and call me a Kike and that is a fighting word for me. So I tip my hat to all Blacks who just turn the other cheek in a society hell bent on treating them as less than.
Hey Joe, this is where the anger is coming from in Ferguson and around the country. They, the Blacks and those of us other ethnicities are disgusted at the pervasive and systemic racism that continues to persist in this country. How many more Black men have to be murdered for allegedly selling single cigarettes? How many more Black 12 year old boys are gonna be gunned down for playing with a toy gun? How many more will die because they were beaten to death for "resisting" being arrested? How many? Your right Joe, there are cowards in this world and your the coward. Your a coward because you cannot even stop and examine your own racial prejudices and racism within yourself. COWARD. We, the enlightened, the Whites, the Latins, the Asians should have stood up years ago and said, STOP KILLING THESE PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR SKIN COLOR. Well, you white, pampered pussy we are doing that now.
The whole Ferguson situation just doesn't pass my smell test. When have you ever heard of a Black man running up to a White cop in a police car? Never mind reaching in and smacking the cop and allegedly reaching for his gun? Really? Not to get petty but has anyone ever watched the show COPS. Blacks run, even the innocent ones. The run from the police because they know. They know the racism and horrific treatment they will suffer. Hell, my Black ex-husband, college educated, a licensed commercial lines insurance underwriter was stopped constantly in his Pontiac Grand Am. Not for speeding, not for being drunk but for driving while being Black in a white town.
I don't care what anyone says. There is no way Michael rolled up on a cop, reached in and smacked him and reached for his gun. Its just not logical nor does, like I said pass the smell test with me. Now I will say the violence and the burning of businesses and churches has to stop. There is a way to continue to fight this injustice and as Michael's father said, "I don't want my son's death to be in vain." I agree. Let us raise our voices. Let us express the outrage and anger we feel. Let us band together, united in the fight for equality under the law. Let us tell the police this will not be tolerated anymore! Let us take this to the courts. Most of all, lets not let this peter out and fade away. Its time we stop being afraid to talk about racism, prejudices and get the dialogue going. Its time America for the stigmas, the ignorance and most of all the intolerance to stop once and for all.
And Joe Scarborough, you can kiss my lily white ass. Your a boil on the ass of humanity and you can rant and rave all you want. We see you for what you are. A liar, a cheater and a man with a moral defect as large as the Grand Canyon. Go away. Take your "Preppy" dressing ways and get off our airwaves. You make me ashamed to share the same skin color. There may be free speech but not free stupidity written into the Constitution. Your an ass. #ByeGurl
To begin with, how can a white man, an affluent white man comment on the struggles that Blacks in this country face each and every day? How is that even possible? That alone makes me want to reach out and smack the stupid off of him. Secondly, he goes on to call people cowards because, as he says, "I'm sure 97% of America feels the same way he does but are cowards and won't say so." Bullshit Joe. Have you even looked at racial statistics lately? White folks only comprise about 77% of the population. Latins are next with approximately 17% and Blacks 13% of the population. I sincerely doubt Joe the Black and Latin communities have the same take on what happened in Ferguson, MI as you do. Hell, I am whiter than white and I don't have the same opinion as you, thankfully.
He went on to say that Michael Brown "knocked over" a store. If anything, all Michael Brown did was shoplift. Since when does shoplifting give Police the right to shoot to kill an unarmed teen? When? Joe Scarborough is a pompous ass who is known to not be able to keep his dick in his pants and had a dead intern show up in his government office. I listen to very little this fuckwit has to say.
I don't agree with the verdict. I don't agree the cop had the right to shoot to kill and then leave Michael's body in the street for hours. I don't agree with the protesters burning and committing violence in Ferguson. I just don't.
I was married for over 10 years to a Black man. I cannot and will not speak to the black experience in America, the world for that matter, but I can speak to what I feel and what I have seen. In my relationship with my ex, I confronted a lot of different issues. I confronted my own prejudices. Yes I was in a relationship but had prejudices. I was raised white and prejudices are very subtle. I feel I have over come much of the way I was raised. I am aware now of those prejudices and work hard to confront them, work through them and stop them. While in my relationship I have watched as my husband was followed in stores. How we were constantly stopped while he was driving in West Hartford, CT, a predominately white, Jewish town, because he must be a drug dealer because he was black and I a drug user because I was white. I have watched as people have discriminated against him in housing, employment and socially because of the color of his skin. I cannot even being to understand the anger he and other Blacks must feel every day. I cannot. I know my anger when I saw the person I loved, a college graduate get passed over for jobs and advancement not because he wasn't doing a good job or could of done a good job, but because he was Black. I have to say, if I were Black, I don't think I would be even remotely as nice and tolerant of racism as most Blacks are. I know as a Jew I get damn pissed and call me a Kike and that is a fighting word for me. So I tip my hat to all Blacks who just turn the other cheek in a society hell bent on treating them as less than.
Hey Joe, this is where the anger is coming from in Ferguson and around the country. They, the Blacks and those of us other ethnicities are disgusted at the pervasive and systemic racism that continues to persist in this country. How many more Black men have to be murdered for allegedly selling single cigarettes? How many more Black 12 year old boys are gonna be gunned down for playing with a toy gun? How many more will die because they were beaten to death for "resisting" being arrested? How many? Your right Joe, there are cowards in this world and your the coward. Your a coward because you cannot even stop and examine your own racial prejudices and racism within yourself. COWARD. We, the enlightened, the Whites, the Latins, the Asians should have stood up years ago and said, STOP KILLING THESE PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR SKIN COLOR. Well, you white, pampered pussy we are doing that now.
The whole Ferguson situation just doesn't pass my smell test. When have you ever heard of a Black man running up to a White cop in a police car? Never mind reaching in and smacking the cop and allegedly reaching for his gun? Really? Not to get petty but has anyone ever watched the show COPS. Blacks run, even the innocent ones. The run from the police because they know. They know the racism and horrific treatment they will suffer. Hell, my Black ex-husband, college educated, a licensed commercial lines insurance underwriter was stopped constantly in his Pontiac Grand Am. Not for speeding, not for being drunk but for driving while being Black in a white town.
I don't care what anyone says. There is no way Michael rolled up on a cop, reached in and smacked him and reached for his gun. Its just not logical nor does, like I said pass the smell test with me. Now I will say the violence and the burning of businesses and churches has to stop. There is a way to continue to fight this injustice and as Michael's father said, "I don't want my son's death to be in vain." I agree. Let us raise our voices. Let us express the outrage and anger we feel. Let us band together, united in the fight for equality under the law. Let us tell the police this will not be tolerated anymore! Let us take this to the courts. Most of all, lets not let this peter out and fade away. Its time we stop being afraid to talk about racism, prejudices and get the dialogue going. Its time America for the stigmas, the ignorance and most of all the intolerance to stop once and for all.
And Joe Scarborough, you can kiss my lily white ass. Your a boil on the ass of humanity and you can rant and rave all you want. We see you for what you are. A liar, a cheater and a man with a moral defect as large as the Grand Canyon. Go away. Take your "Preppy" dressing ways and get off our airwaves. You make me ashamed to share the same skin color. There may be free speech but not free stupidity written into the Constitution. Your an ass. #ByeGurl
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
The Tre Of Knowledge
As I sat in front of my TV to watch the special Watch What Happens Live special interview with Teresa and Joe Giudice I thought to myself, "oh this is gonna be good." True enough, it was delish. It is what we reality show junkies love. Dirty, guilt, tears and a teaspoon of reality. Andy Cohen needs to give his make-up person a raise. I thought the grey'd down color they gave him lent an air of actual concern. Something Andy struggles with daily, being able to go deeper than a puddle of spit. Its just not Andy's thing. Still, he worked his latest acting skills of wrinkling the eyebrows, shifting in his seat and trying so hard to not dazzle with his smile.
Tre looked like someone who just walked out a burning building. She looked like hell. Like someone who gets "skieved" from living in "used" homes and learning she is gonna be in jail for up to 15 months. I was actually concerned for Tre. I can see the pain in her. The fear and maybe even a little anger? I have always liked Tre. She is a little dingy, self absorbed, but I don't think she is or was ever very premeditated about anything. One of the few things I always found so endearing about Tre is she lacks a filter. She either thinks or feels something and it comes zinging out of her mouth. That unto itself makes for good TV.
Joe on the other hand looked like the ginormous fuckwit he is. Dare I say he look drunk? MMM...Never cared for "Juicy Joe." Nope never did and especially after he called his wife a cunt, on TV. I do believe Joe got the better deal. I wouldn't be sad one bit to see him get deported.
Joe and Tre, plead guilty. They admitted in court they had committed the crimes as charged. The did not plea nolo contendere or no contest. The admitted guilt. Huge difference. Big, real big. One the day of sentencing I kept seeing "pray for Tre." "They made a mistake, everyone does." Really? Bank fraud, wire fraud, bankruptcy fraud is now a mistake? Having to make restitution of almost half a million dollars is an oopsie? Who knew?
The interview only confirms for me what I already knew. They didn't learn anything from any of the experience. They are not sorry for what they did. They are sorry they got caught. Tre now claims she was not aware she was facing jail time. Really? I am sure her attorney, and yes folks she had her own attorney made her more than aware she was facing jail time.
In 2001, Tre applied for two mortgages in which she claimed to be employed as an executive assistant and a realtor. Now for those who claimed her husband is all to blame. Your wrong. She didn't understand his games? Really? She knew she was employed or not and with whom. She knew. Mortgage applications are not difficult documents to read and understand. Name, address, employer, salary, credit cards, etc. are what is listed. So for her to play the stupid card is well, gross.
They each had their own attorney's and each fully knew what they had done. I have read the indictments, rulings and have come to the conclusion they both knew fully knew what they were doing and until arrested, continued to do so. They defrauded a bankruptcy court, hid assets, lied about having jobs, failed to file tax returns and right up to the day of sentencing lied about assets and income to the court. No I do not have any sympathy for the Tre and Joe.
This interview on Bravo with Andy is just another money making venture so Tre can have $200,000 dollars she needs to have as part of the plea deal. She needed to have this money on the day of sentencing. The tears and pleas of worrying about her (their) children is bullshit. If you cared about your children Tre, Joe, then you wouldn't have committed these crimes. Its that simple. Or did you think you wouldn't be caught? That you were above the law?
Tre's remark about not understanding she was facing jail time as part of her plea deal? Again, REALLY? Anyone who has ever had any type of court interaction knows the court, the prosecutor and attorney's bend over backwards to make sure you more than understand the entire ramiifications of what you are about to agree to. Just more lies. Her plea agreement is very plain and easy to understand.
Here are the links to the indictment, and both pleas: (just copy and paste the links into your browser)
Indictment:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Giuseppe%20and%20Teresa%20Superseding%20Indictment.pdf
Tre's Plea:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Teresa%20Plea%20Agreement.pdf
Joe's Plea:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Giuseppe%20Plea%20Agreement.pdf
You read for yourself. I think while rather dry, its fairly easy to understand all of it. There is no confusion about what she knew and what she didn't know in my mind.
I have seen people get very upset at Bravo, Andy and even me because I don't share their "protective" feelings they have to Tre. You can see for yourself, its a very clear cut case. Tre wasn't signing super hard documents. She knew she was lying about being employed. She and Joe both lied to the bankruptcy court about salaries and assets. While I feel bad for their children, they will survive and based on the continuing deceit and BS Tre & Joe are putting out, their children are not going to learn if you lie and steal you go to jail. They will learn presentation is everything reality is for the little people who live in "used" houses. Just my humble and fact filled opinion.
Tre looked like someone who just walked out a burning building. She looked like hell. Like someone who gets "skieved" from living in "used" homes and learning she is gonna be in jail for up to 15 months. I was actually concerned for Tre. I can see the pain in her. The fear and maybe even a little anger? I have always liked Tre. She is a little dingy, self absorbed, but I don't think she is or was ever very premeditated about anything. One of the few things I always found so endearing about Tre is she lacks a filter. She either thinks or feels something and it comes zinging out of her mouth. That unto itself makes for good TV.
Joe on the other hand looked like the ginormous fuckwit he is. Dare I say he look drunk? MMM...Never cared for "Juicy Joe." Nope never did and especially after he called his wife a cunt, on TV. I do believe Joe got the better deal. I wouldn't be sad one bit to see him get deported.
Joe and Tre, plead guilty. They admitted in court they had committed the crimes as charged. The did not plea nolo contendere or no contest. The admitted guilt. Huge difference. Big, real big. One the day of sentencing I kept seeing "pray for Tre." "They made a mistake, everyone does." Really? Bank fraud, wire fraud, bankruptcy fraud is now a mistake? Having to make restitution of almost half a million dollars is an oopsie? Who knew?
The interview only confirms for me what I already knew. They didn't learn anything from any of the experience. They are not sorry for what they did. They are sorry they got caught. Tre now claims she was not aware she was facing jail time. Really? I am sure her attorney, and yes folks she had her own attorney made her more than aware she was facing jail time.
In 2001, Tre applied for two mortgages in which she claimed to be employed as an executive assistant and a realtor. Now for those who claimed her husband is all to blame. Your wrong. She didn't understand his games? Really? She knew she was employed or not and with whom. She knew. Mortgage applications are not difficult documents to read and understand. Name, address, employer, salary, credit cards, etc. are what is listed. So for her to play the stupid card is well, gross.
They each had their own attorney's and each fully knew what they had done. I have read the indictments, rulings and have come to the conclusion they both knew fully knew what they were doing and until arrested, continued to do so. They defrauded a bankruptcy court, hid assets, lied about having jobs, failed to file tax returns and right up to the day of sentencing lied about assets and income to the court. No I do not have any sympathy for the Tre and Joe.
This interview on Bravo with Andy is just another money making venture so Tre can have $200,000 dollars she needs to have as part of the plea deal. She needed to have this money on the day of sentencing. The tears and pleas of worrying about her (their) children is bullshit. If you cared about your children Tre, Joe, then you wouldn't have committed these crimes. Its that simple. Or did you think you wouldn't be caught? That you were above the law?
Tre's remark about not understanding she was facing jail time as part of her plea deal? Again, REALLY? Anyone who has ever had any type of court interaction knows the court, the prosecutor and attorney's bend over backwards to make sure you more than understand the entire ramiifications of what you are about to agree to. Just more lies. Her plea agreement is very plain and easy to understand.
Here are the links to the indictment, and both pleas: (just copy and paste the links into your browser)
Indictment:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Giuseppe%20and%20Teresa%20Superseding%20Indictment.pdf
Tre's Plea:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Teresa%20Plea%20Agreement.pdf
Joe's Plea:
http://www.justice.gov/usao/nj/Press/files/pdffiles/2014/Giudice,%20Giuseppe%20Plea%20Agreement.pdf
You read for yourself. I think while rather dry, its fairly easy to understand all of it. There is no confusion about what she knew and what she didn't know in my mind.
I have seen people get very upset at Bravo, Andy and even me because I don't share their "protective" feelings they have to Tre. You can see for yourself, its a very clear cut case. Tre wasn't signing super hard documents. She knew she was lying about being employed. She and Joe both lied to the bankruptcy court about salaries and assets. While I feel bad for their children, they will survive and based on the continuing deceit and BS Tre & Joe are putting out, their children are not going to learn if you lie and steal you go to jail. They will learn presentation is everything reality is for the little people who live in "used" houses. Just my humble and fact filled opinion.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Is Love Too Strong A Word?
Three days now I have been jotting down thoughts, feelings and just random things which pop into my head regarding this blog. Its a tough one for me. My mother, the woman who birthed me and then went on to beat, verbally abuse and make me the mental/social equivalent of a stale muffin is dying. I have spent many years trying to deal with the scars left by her. To this day I carry the physical and emotional scars. Years of therapy to get over the night terrors, my inability to feel or receive love have left me on par emotionally with a rock.
A few years ago I wrote a blog, Open Letter To Mom. I also forwarded a copy to my mother. In this letter/blog I told her that she no longer had a place in my life. I also told her what I felt she needed to hear from me. I would no longer carry the shame of what she did. I placed the blame firmly back where it belonged, on her. I told her I wished she would get the help she so sorely needed and expressed my hope she would find some peace and maybe even happiness in life. My blog received a lot of very positive feedback from the public. My mother sent me back an email with just two words in it, "You're crazy!"
Five years have passed since that final break. I have continued to heal from all the physical and sexual abuse (she is still in contact with the man who raped me) I actually have some measurable self-esteem/worth now. The night terrors are slowly stopping. I believe my relationships are healthier. I am always amazed how my life has improved without her in it. While the physical abuse stopped when I left home, the mental and emotional never really stopped until I decided she really didn't have a place in my life. Five years. Five years which have been so filled with happy and some sad times. I feel like a completely different person now.
So you can imagine my shock and complete lack of ability to deal with the news of her being ill and most likely getting ready to die. This never entered my mind. I was mad, glad, sad and stunned all at once and it has taken me days to sift through all the feelings this has raised.
One the one hand this is my mother. My initial reaction was to feel sad. This is my mother! We are supposed to feel sad when a parent dies...right? Then I feel the anger. Why should I feel sad when this woman has done nothing but torment her children? No, I refuse to feel sad for her. Back and forth I went for days. Feeling guilty for still feeling such strong anger towards her. Beating myself up for being the "bad, worthless piece of shit, sick fuck" (her terms for me) and not rushing to her side to make her passing easier for her.
This is all so new. So untried and untested for me. There is tons of support for those who have parents who are abusive but I have never heard of any support groups or ways to deal with the death of ones abuser? Stumped me there wizard. I always thought I would feel some sort of relief when I learned she was dead/dying. The source of so much pain in my life would be gone. Instead I find myself full of contradictions and absolutely no relief.
The good person in me. The soft, kind, loving me wants to be there. To help her die peacefully. The scared little boy wants to run and hide, as I so often did when she would get into one of her "moods." I want to yell at her and make her understand all the damage she did. I want her to really feel sorry and say so! None of this will happen. None of it. Instead, I am left, as is always the case with her, holding a bag of pain. I will be left to deal with the aftermath of her behaviors. To search and hopefully find a place of healing again.
I love my mother. Its there. I think part of the cycle of abuse is that we are taught to love those who abuse us. Also it is quite normal to love a parent. For many of us survivors, its hard to admit we still love those who hurt us so deeply. I do, I love her in spite of all the pain she caused. I promised myself many years ago I would not let the pain of my childhood cause me to become like her and I won't. If our roles were reversed, she would not still love me. So I feel good in knowing that I am so different from her.
The question which remains is, so where do I go from here? Miss Manners really missed out on this type of situation. There are not charted courses for me to glean a path from. There are the ugly details of death to deal with. The funeral, the dividing up of her estate. The cleaning out of her belongings. Who is going to take her animals (poor bastards, they need some peace)? My sister has stated she wants no part of anything to do with our mother. She will not even discuss her feelings. My sister tends to bury and stuff anything which hurts her. I am the emotional one. I just don't know how to react or deal with any of this.
Knowing my mother, she has never altered her Last Will and Testament. Its the same will which she and my father made 45 years ago. Normally I would not even give it a second thought. This is not a normal situation and the fact that my mother is extremely wealthy and the estate is going to be very sizable only adds to the quandary. The question begging to be asked is, "is it wrong to want to inherit money and property from a person I love but at the same time loath? Is that blood money?
My mother is still clinging to life as of the writing of this blog. I still do not believe it is in my best interests to go to see her. I am still sitting her at my desk, looking out my window and feeling all the conflicted feelings within me. I know whatever happens, I have a huge amount of work both emotionally and physically to do.
I cannot help but feel sad. Sad for her because she has led a miserable life full of grief and pain. Sad for me because I didn't get a loving and supportive mother. Sad for my sister who in her own way has yet to deal with any of the trauma our mother caused. Maybe this is the ending of one stage of life and the beginning of another? Maybe I will get to do some healing which could never have happened while she was alive? Maybe I will be left with all of the unanswered questions I have always had and probably some more?
This is what I do know. I know I have the power to not let this woman continue to damage and hurt me. This is her death and not mine. I will continue to grow and evolve as a human being. I will love, laugh, cry and be mad. I will strive to be at peace within myself and nothing she does and has done will ever make me stray from that path.
In closing, Mom...I hope your not in pain. I want you to know I love you and always will. I hope you find some peace and that your passing is easy. I am sorry I cannot come and be with you. I have to take care of me now and it is not good for me to be around you. I hope for mercy for you. Love, Your Son.
A few years ago I wrote a blog, Open Letter To Mom. I also forwarded a copy to my mother. In this letter/blog I told her that she no longer had a place in my life. I also told her what I felt she needed to hear from me. I would no longer carry the shame of what she did. I placed the blame firmly back where it belonged, on her. I told her I wished she would get the help she so sorely needed and expressed my hope she would find some peace and maybe even happiness in life. My blog received a lot of very positive feedback from the public. My mother sent me back an email with just two words in it, "You're crazy!"
Five years have passed since that final break. I have continued to heal from all the physical and sexual abuse (she is still in contact with the man who raped me) I actually have some measurable self-esteem/worth now. The night terrors are slowly stopping. I believe my relationships are healthier. I am always amazed how my life has improved without her in it. While the physical abuse stopped when I left home, the mental and emotional never really stopped until I decided she really didn't have a place in my life. Five years. Five years which have been so filled with happy and some sad times. I feel like a completely different person now.
So you can imagine my shock and complete lack of ability to deal with the news of her being ill and most likely getting ready to die. This never entered my mind. I was mad, glad, sad and stunned all at once and it has taken me days to sift through all the feelings this has raised.
One the one hand this is my mother. My initial reaction was to feel sad. This is my mother! We are supposed to feel sad when a parent dies...right? Then I feel the anger. Why should I feel sad when this woman has done nothing but torment her children? No, I refuse to feel sad for her. Back and forth I went for days. Feeling guilty for still feeling such strong anger towards her. Beating myself up for being the "bad, worthless piece of shit, sick fuck" (her terms for me) and not rushing to her side to make her passing easier for her.
This is all so new. So untried and untested for me. There is tons of support for those who have parents who are abusive but I have never heard of any support groups or ways to deal with the death of ones abuser? Stumped me there wizard. I always thought I would feel some sort of relief when I learned she was dead/dying. The source of so much pain in my life would be gone. Instead I find myself full of contradictions and absolutely no relief.
The good person in me. The soft, kind, loving me wants to be there. To help her die peacefully. The scared little boy wants to run and hide, as I so often did when she would get into one of her "moods." I want to yell at her and make her understand all the damage she did. I want her to really feel sorry and say so! None of this will happen. None of it. Instead, I am left, as is always the case with her, holding a bag of pain. I will be left to deal with the aftermath of her behaviors. To search and hopefully find a place of healing again.
I love my mother. Its there. I think part of the cycle of abuse is that we are taught to love those who abuse us. Also it is quite normal to love a parent. For many of us survivors, its hard to admit we still love those who hurt us so deeply. I do, I love her in spite of all the pain she caused. I promised myself many years ago I would not let the pain of my childhood cause me to become like her and I won't. If our roles were reversed, she would not still love me. So I feel good in knowing that I am so different from her.
The question which remains is, so where do I go from here? Miss Manners really missed out on this type of situation. There are not charted courses for me to glean a path from. There are the ugly details of death to deal with. The funeral, the dividing up of her estate. The cleaning out of her belongings. Who is going to take her animals (poor bastards, they need some peace)? My sister has stated she wants no part of anything to do with our mother. She will not even discuss her feelings. My sister tends to bury and stuff anything which hurts her. I am the emotional one. I just don't know how to react or deal with any of this.
Knowing my mother, she has never altered her Last Will and Testament. Its the same will which she and my father made 45 years ago. Normally I would not even give it a second thought. This is not a normal situation and the fact that my mother is extremely wealthy and the estate is going to be very sizable only adds to the quandary. The question begging to be asked is, "is it wrong to want to inherit money and property from a person I love but at the same time loath? Is that blood money?
My mother is still clinging to life as of the writing of this blog. I still do not believe it is in my best interests to go to see her. I am still sitting her at my desk, looking out my window and feeling all the conflicted feelings within me. I know whatever happens, I have a huge amount of work both emotionally and physically to do.
I cannot help but feel sad. Sad for her because she has led a miserable life full of grief and pain. Sad for me because I didn't get a loving and supportive mother. Sad for my sister who in her own way has yet to deal with any of the trauma our mother caused. Maybe this is the ending of one stage of life and the beginning of another? Maybe I will get to do some healing which could never have happened while she was alive? Maybe I will be left with all of the unanswered questions I have always had and probably some more?
This is what I do know. I know I have the power to not let this woman continue to damage and hurt me. This is her death and not mine. I will continue to grow and evolve as a human being. I will love, laugh, cry and be mad. I will strive to be at peace within myself and nothing she does and has done will ever make me stray from that path.
In closing, Mom...I hope your not in pain. I want you to know I love you and always will. I hope you find some peace and that your passing is easy. I am sorry I cannot come and be with you. I have to take care of me now and it is not good for me to be around you. I hope for mercy for you. Love, Your Son.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds You
Recently, while reading the latest blog of my much beloved Kristen Johnston, I was dumb founded and truth be told a little dismayed. I normally love the brash, no bull-shit, no punches pulled funny gal, but her last blog was off. I thought to myself, "you are taking this wrong" and closed the blog and decided to go back to it. A fresh perspective was what I thought I needed. I came back and still feel the same
In her blog, Kristen goes on about how she has always "looked down on celebrities who felt the need to splurt (yeah, her word and not mine and obviously not in the dictionary either) the intimate details of their personal lives." She thinks that is "tacky" and goes on to state she believes it important to hold back so that as actors they can be believable in many roles. Really? OY It was at this point I knew no matter how hard I tried to understand where she was coming from, I just didn't agree. She goes on to say since she doesn't allow her home to be photographed or keeps the names of her boyfriends private that she is, and this is my voice not hers, better than those "other" celebs who divulge every little detail. She then reveals how she was raised to lie, deceive and say "no comment" and that it is the presentation of one's self that is important and not the reality. Again, more head shaking. So now Kristen knows what is right for others? Mmmmm...#Suspect
At this point I can feel my hypocrisy meter raising. I kept thinking to myself, "who the hell is this women?" She decides what others should or should not share about themselves? Really? So, if I share something she doesn't, like my inter-nut (thats for you Sukie) romance which played out on Twitter makes me less than?
She then launches into how she was forced into engaging on social media with the release of her book in 2012.
"The final straw came at one event in New Jersey, when I looked in the store window to see 10 folding chairs, all empty save for one bored woman eating a sandwich. I began to hyperventilate, and went to the parking lot to call my Literary Agent, torn between fury, humiliation and heartbreak.
"I don't understand, Lydia. Nobody's here. Has no one publicized this??!"
"Nowadays they don't really do book tours." She said "Most advertising is done through Social Media."
"Well, their social media person sucks."
"No, Kristen." She said, with eternal patience. "Most authors nowadays have a presence on Twitter and Facebook. Publishers rely heavily on an author's self-promotion. In fact, unless you're Stephen King, most books nowadays have literally no budget for promotion."
"Are you telling me that they paid me a huge chunk of money, and I spent a year & a half writing this thing with virtually no help--and yet---and yet" I felt myself going faint "No one will know it exists??!!""That's right. Unfortunately, it's all up to you."
I don't know what most of you took from the above excerpt from her blog, but I took that she was pissed that others were not out promoting her. She thought all she has to do was show up, sign a few books, blather on about her drunken, drug fueled escapades and presto she was gonna be a NY Times Best Selling Author. From where I am sitting it sounds like a temper tantrum or in AA speak, "addict behavior." So she joined Twitter/Facebook and says it helped make her book the success it is.
Then she launches into a well worn, tried and true rant about the mean, nasty, border crossing minions on social media. When you work in an ice cream store, expect to be cold. When you work in a morgue, expect dead people, when you work in the multi-billion dollar entertainment industry and then right a book about your drug and alcohol addictions, expect to get a few wing-nuts. I am not a star, never pretend to know one, and to be very "real" and "honest" I know of no celebs who would even want to have a friendship with me. Trust me, my life is very screwy and very boring (most of the time). This is a women who has a blog which "splurts" out the intimate details of her illnesses. Bone breaking, surgeries..the whole nine yards but thankfully I don't know what her house looks like so I can find her new role to be so incredible believable. Insert a huge, epic eye roll here. She goes on to recount some of the more salacious boundaries people have broken with her.
"Here are a few examples of boundaries I've established:
"For my own sobriety, I have to ask you to stop contacting me drunk or high."
"You seem to be angry I didn't respond to you right away. Please respect that I work, have a life and can't be at your beck & call."
"I'm not equipped to handle this kind of crisis, please call 911."
"I've already given you the names & numbers of people in your area who can assist you, and you refuse to call them. Yet you continue to turn to me in constant crisis."
"Please don't write me that you're suicidal. How can I possibly help you? What is it you want me to say? Please call 911 and/or call a close friend/family member."
"I can't meet with anyone from Social Media for coffee. Otherwise I'd never leave Starbucks."
"I can't call your family member/friend and talk them out of their addiction."
"I can't get you an acting job."
I could go on and on and on and on....
I'm sure you think these are ridiculous, but each statement above is something I've had to write many, many times to many different people.
"When people refused to respect my boundaries, people I even considered friends, I knew I had no choice but to block them/end the friendship. A few of them now hate me with a passion, conveniently forgetting the months and months of icredible patience and generosity I showed them. Some have even gone so far as to spread lies about me, my mental health, my sobriety."
For many of us, social media has been a learning curve. I am sure anyone reading this blog, can recount a situation or two where their feelings have been hurt or even worse. Social media brings out the very best and also the very worst in folks. Some say its the anonymous nature of the platform, others think because its not in person its easier to be nasty. Who knows? I personally have had few scrapes with folks over the years, but for the most part I have found my way and don't really have a hard time on Twitter.
I like Kristen. I get her most of the time. I find her funny, very self-effacing and real. So why then am I writing what I am sure will be considered a negative blog about her blog? Well, its easy enough to explain. I am tired of celebs complaining about bad press, negative experiences with social media. If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen. They have chosen a career in the public eye. By 2014 it is more than known, its been genetically encoded into our DNA that public people will be hounded by the press, people and tabloids. In return they make insanely huge amounts of money. Am I endorsing the behavior of such media outlets as TMZ, The National Inquirer? No. Am I condoning, what I have termed the "Gangs of Twitter", those who group together to slam a celeb? Not at all. I am just saying to whine about your #FirstWorldProblems or #StarIssues is redundant and lame.
One of the best things about social media is you, the person is in charge. You can interact or not. You can tweet or not. You can hire someone to do it for you if your a celeb. An entire industry has popped up and is thriving just managing the public images on social media of celebs. So no I don't get the reason for her blog other than to thank the person "Karen" for her help. In fact, I will be unfollowing Kristen. This last blog is just another rant she has been on for sometime. She is not a victim. She is a celeb whose career depends on all of us little people finding her interesting. If she doesn't like that level of interest in her, then I recommend she stop acting, stop writing books, stop interacting with people on social media and get a job where her person is not the product. Maybe retail? Office work?
I get very irritated with celebs who interact heavily with the general public and then complain when people get too close or consider themselves friends with a celeb. Let me explain it, rather let me dumb it down for all those celebs who have similar issues with the general public. Many of us little people think when a celeb notices us, or interacts with us that somehow our thankless, meaningless, dead end lives mean something. That somehow through contact with a celeb we are elevated and hence our lives and feelings about ourselves are better. I personally could give a shit if a person is a celeb or not. I am not the fawning type. I will crack a few of my snarky one-liners and keep moving. Unless your giving me a huge pile of cash, a blow-job or a car, then your about as useful to me as the guy behind the counter at Cumberland Farms convenience store. I don't give celebs the "G-D Complex" that many do. To me, celebs are just better paid people who look shitty when they roll out of bed and then become sexy after a team of 12 come and do their hair and make-up, pick out their clothes and tell them what to say.
So for Kristen to blog about all the stress and strife some have caused her is the end for me. She is acting like some kind of spoiled brat. I am happy she is doing better health wise. Super excited she remains strong in her sobriety, but highly recommend she seek professional help in correcting her entitled behaviors and in accepting and defining herself as an actress/author. What she find is good for her and only her and let others worry about themselves. Just remember Kristen, when you look down on other celebs for what they share you are really looking down on yourself. Define yourself not others.
There, I am done with my rant. Thanks for reading.
In her blog, Kristen goes on about how she has always "looked down on celebrities who felt the need to splurt (yeah, her word and not mine and obviously not in the dictionary either) the intimate details of their personal lives." She thinks that is "tacky" and goes on to state she believes it important to hold back so that as actors they can be believable in many roles. Really? OY It was at this point I knew no matter how hard I tried to understand where she was coming from, I just didn't agree. She goes on to say since she doesn't allow her home to be photographed or keeps the names of her boyfriends private that she is, and this is my voice not hers, better than those "other" celebs who divulge every little detail. She then reveals how she was raised to lie, deceive and say "no comment" and that it is the presentation of one's self that is important and not the reality. Again, more head shaking. So now Kristen knows what is right for others? Mmmmm...#Suspect
At this point I can feel my hypocrisy meter raising. I kept thinking to myself, "who the hell is this women?" She decides what others should or should not share about themselves? Really? So, if I share something she doesn't, like my inter-nut (thats for you Sukie) romance which played out on Twitter makes me less than?
She then launches into how she was forced into engaging on social media with the release of her book in 2012.
"The final straw came at one event in New Jersey, when I looked in the store window to see 10 folding chairs, all empty save for one bored woman eating a sandwich. I began to hyperventilate, and went to the parking lot to call my Literary Agent, torn between fury, humiliation and heartbreak.
"I don't understand, Lydia. Nobody's here. Has no one publicized this??!"
"Nowadays they don't really do book tours." She said "Most advertising is done through Social Media."
"Well, their social media person sucks."
"No, Kristen." She said, with eternal patience. "Most authors nowadays have a presence on Twitter and Facebook. Publishers rely heavily on an author's self-promotion. In fact, unless you're Stephen King, most books nowadays have literally no budget for promotion."
"Are you telling me that they paid me a huge chunk of money, and I spent a year & a half writing this thing with virtually no help--and yet---and yet" I felt myself going faint "No one will know it exists??!!""That's right. Unfortunately, it's all up to you."
I don't know what most of you took from the above excerpt from her blog, but I took that she was pissed that others were not out promoting her. She thought all she has to do was show up, sign a few books, blather on about her drunken, drug fueled escapades and presto she was gonna be a NY Times Best Selling Author. From where I am sitting it sounds like a temper tantrum or in AA speak, "addict behavior." So she joined Twitter/Facebook and says it helped make her book the success it is.
Then she launches into a well worn, tried and true rant about the mean, nasty, border crossing minions on social media. When you work in an ice cream store, expect to be cold. When you work in a morgue, expect dead people, when you work in the multi-billion dollar entertainment industry and then right a book about your drug and alcohol addictions, expect to get a few wing-nuts. I am not a star, never pretend to know one, and to be very "real" and "honest" I know of no celebs who would even want to have a friendship with me. Trust me, my life is very screwy and very boring (most of the time). This is a women who has a blog which "splurts" out the intimate details of her illnesses. Bone breaking, surgeries..the whole nine yards but thankfully I don't know what her house looks like so I can find her new role to be so incredible believable. Insert a huge, epic eye roll here. She goes on to recount some of the more salacious boundaries people have broken with her.
"Here are a few examples of boundaries I've established:
"For my own sobriety, I have to ask you to stop contacting me drunk or high."
"You seem to be angry I didn't respond to you right away. Please respect that I work, have a life and can't be at your beck & call."
"I'm not equipped to handle this kind of crisis, please call 911."
"I've already given you the names & numbers of people in your area who can assist you, and you refuse to call them. Yet you continue to turn to me in constant crisis."
"Please don't write me that you're suicidal. How can I possibly help you? What is it you want me to say? Please call 911 and/or call a close friend/family member."
"I can't meet with anyone from Social Media for coffee. Otherwise I'd never leave Starbucks."
"I can't call your family member/friend and talk them out of their addiction."
"I can't get you an acting job."
I could go on and on and on and on....
I'm sure you think these are ridiculous, but each statement above is something I've had to write many, many times to many different people.
"When people refused to respect my boundaries, people I even considered friends, I knew I had no choice but to block them/end the friendship. A few of them now hate me with a passion, conveniently forgetting the months and months of icredible patience and generosity I showed them. Some have even gone so far as to spread lies about me, my mental health, my sobriety."
For many of us, social media has been a learning curve. I am sure anyone reading this blog, can recount a situation or two where their feelings have been hurt or even worse. Social media brings out the very best and also the very worst in folks. Some say its the anonymous nature of the platform, others think because its not in person its easier to be nasty. Who knows? I personally have had few scrapes with folks over the years, but for the most part I have found my way and don't really have a hard time on Twitter.
I like Kristen. I get her most of the time. I find her funny, very self-effacing and real. So why then am I writing what I am sure will be considered a negative blog about her blog? Well, its easy enough to explain. I am tired of celebs complaining about bad press, negative experiences with social media. If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen. They have chosen a career in the public eye. By 2014 it is more than known, its been genetically encoded into our DNA that public people will be hounded by the press, people and tabloids. In return they make insanely huge amounts of money. Am I endorsing the behavior of such media outlets as TMZ, The National Inquirer? No. Am I condoning, what I have termed the "Gangs of Twitter", those who group together to slam a celeb? Not at all. I am just saying to whine about your #FirstWorldProblems or #StarIssues is redundant and lame.
One of the best things about social media is you, the person is in charge. You can interact or not. You can tweet or not. You can hire someone to do it for you if your a celeb. An entire industry has popped up and is thriving just managing the public images on social media of celebs. So no I don't get the reason for her blog other than to thank the person "Karen" for her help. In fact, I will be unfollowing Kristen. This last blog is just another rant she has been on for sometime. She is not a victim. She is a celeb whose career depends on all of us little people finding her interesting. If she doesn't like that level of interest in her, then I recommend she stop acting, stop writing books, stop interacting with people on social media and get a job where her person is not the product. Maybe retail? Office work?
I get very irritated with celebs who interact heavily with the general public and then complain when people get too close or consider themselves friends with a celeb. Let me explain it, rather let me dumb it down for all those celebs who have similar issues with the general public. Many of us little people think when a celeb notices us, or interacts with us that somehow our thankless, meaningless, dead end lives mean something. That somehow through contact with a celeb we are elevated and hence our lives and feelings about ourselves are better. I personally could give a shit if a person is a celeb or not. I am not the fawning type. I will crack a few of my snarky one-liners and keep moving. Unless your giving me a huge pile of cash, a blow-job or a car, then your about as useful to me as the guy behind the counter at Cumberland Farms convenience store. I don't give celebs the "G-D Complex" that many do. To me, celebs are just better paid people who look shitty when they roll out of bed and then become sexy after a team of 12 come and do their hair and make-up, pick out their clothes and tell them what to say.
So for Kristen to blog about all the stress and strife some have caused her is the end for me. She is acting like some kind of spoiled brat. I am happy she is doing better health wise. Super excited she remains strong in her sobriety, but highly recommend she seek professional help in correcting her entitled behaviors and in accepting and defining herself as an actress/author. What she find is good for her and only her and let others worry about themselves. Just remember Kristen, when you look down on other celebs for what they share you are really looking down on yourself. Define yourself not others.
There, I am done with my rant. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Something Old, Something New
Earlier this week, while going about my life, I received a request on Facebook by someone to be my friend. I didn't see any obvious connections, so I accepted him and decided to see how it played out. I consider myself computer and social networking savvy so I didn't consider it too much. A little while later I was trying to clean out my email accounts and chatting on Twitter when the person instant messaged me on FB. So he said hi, asked how I was and I did the same. Then came the bomb. Do you know a person named TJ? I was just stunned. TJ was my ex from over 20 years ago. Now I have this chubby little Mexican guy asking if I know TJ. Valentino was this creeps name. Wait for it, its gets better. Anyhow, we continue chatting. I am trying to figure out why my ex's boyfriend would be contacting me. Inquiring minds and shit. So I decide to ask him. He tells me TJ only has nice things to say about me. I don't about him, but whatever. They were talking and my name came up so Valentino runs to his laptop and searches me out on Facebook. Now I know this guy is up to no good. But I continue to play along, trying to see where this is gonna go and when will I lower the boom and lock my stuff down.
I decided to get off the computer and get some stuff down around the house. As I was doing my charwomen routine I was thinking. Thinking of why in the hell would some border hopping Mexican with no education, no money, and obviously no dignity contact me? It hit me, the guy was insecure or there must be problems in their relationship. The memories started to flood back. TJ and all of his BS. TJ loved to play with people. Loved to wind them up and then sit back and watch the fireworks. He was a prolific, serial even, cheater and was pron to very, and I repeat, very young men. If TJ could lie and get away with it, he would. He was incapable of telling the truth.
As these memories came back to me. I realized I was no longer angry or even hurt. I was thankful. Thankful he was no longer in my life. Valentino had pictures on his page of him, them. I looked and was amazed at just how FAT TJ had become and how stupid he looked. Valentino told me TJ didn't like cell phones and was a REPUBLICAN and still in the closet! More than thankful, I was grateful. Dodged that bullet.
We were so young, naive and full of hormones. I was 19 and he was 20. We were together for almost 10 years. Shortly before my 29th birthday, TJ announced he was leaving me for one of his illegal boy toys. To be honest, I was relieved. I was tired of the lies, the cheating and most of all, being hurt. All these years later, I look back and think how could I have put up with such things. The beatings, the mistreatment I suffered at his hands. I once received a phone call from one of his other ex's, he told me TJ was just like I said he was and how sorry he was for ever believing him in regards to me. I yawned and hung up.
Valentino is a 52 year old man. His citizen status is suspect. He currently works at MacDonald's (yes, giggle, I did). TJ doesn't acknowledge him at a husband, partner nor boyfriend. They live together in TJ's house. When TJ's Dad passed away last year, Valentino was not allowed to come to CT with him for the funeral. I took the information in and just shook my head. I really did dodge a bullet.
I, of course, blocked Valentino on Facebook. I see he has done the same. All week in the back of my mind the words, closure..gratefulness and peace with my past kept creeping into my thoughts. I always wonder what it would be like to run into an ex. Someone I had loved, spent many years with and pined over when it was over. Now I know. I am so happy to not have that in my life. TJ would appear to be the same self-loathing, lying, manipulative person he always was. I almost feel sorry for him. Sorry he didn't grow or change and blossom. Instead, he is still unhappy.
I took an inventory of myself. I am single, 49 years old and peaceful. I know myself and actually like who I have become. I am not ashamed of my homosexuality. Quite the contrary, I boast about it. I would like to think I have become a nicer, more compassionate person. So would like to thank Valentino and even TJ for helping to remind me just how far I have come. How much I have changed and grown.
Thanks guys for giving me the gift of hindsight. I really appreciate it.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
In The Middle of The Middle East
I have waited and hoped I would not have to take a pen and comment on what has been happening in Israel/Gaza Strip. I was hoping cooler minds would prevail and some sort of cease-fire could be negotiated. Alas, as of the writing of this blog, the carnage continues.
As most of you already know, I am the living antithesis of what Adolf Hilter stood for. I am a card carry, Yarmulke wearing homosexual Jew. Dang if that isn't a mouth full. Anyhow, suffice to say I am Jewish and Gay but I will try to be fair in this blog.
I am the grandson of a survivor of the holocaust. I spent time in my teens in Israel working on a Kibbutz. I have many friends in Israel. I also have friends in the West Bank and in Gaza, both Palestinian and not.
This is what I know about the current situation in Israel. Hamas is a terrorist organization which terrorizes its own people they claim to represent. They do not acknowledge the legitimacy of Israel and have vowed to bring about its destruction. I also know, first hand, how they attack innocent civilians within Israel's borders. They use terror as a weapon. They have sent over 2,600 bombs into Israel since July 8, 2014. They are not targeting military bases but rather civilians.
I also know, if the bombs stopped coming from the Gaza Strip into Israel, I know the government in Israel would be under immense pressure to stop the current campaign in the Gaza Strip. I also believe Israel is not the instigator nor wanting innocent Palestinians to die.
With all of that said, the bombs continue to fall, people are dying...on both sides. I do not propose to know how to end the conflict, but I do know the average Joe and Jane on the streets of Israel and within Gaza and the West Bank, want peace. There needs to be a Palestine for the Palestinians. They need to be able to live free and govern themselves and stop living in a constant state of war. Hatred needs to be bred out of both Israeli's and Palestinians.
The world is upset with Israel. There are civilians dying in Gaza. Schools are being hit. Children are seeing nothing but death and destruction. It is ugly with a capital U. So I asked the question, "What does the world want from Israel?" I keep hearing, "they should stop." I don't think it is that easy. Three buildings in NYC and DC were bombed 13 years ago and we are still at war. So when is Israel going to be given the same consideration? I keep telling people, what bothers you more, the fact that Israel is defending itself or that it is much more effective than Hamas?
I really think if Israel operated on the same scale as Hamas, the world would look away. For some reason, when Hamas starts a conflict and Israel comes in and effectively slams Hamas back into dark alley's and back rooms its a problem.
I ask you to ponder the question I asked above. Is what bothers most people the fact Israel is defending itself or the fact it does it so well? I found the 9/11 attacks to be a warning. A warning that war was coming home to America. America were most have lived in complete and utter ignorance of what most of the globe has had to live and deal with for centuries. I also found most people's reaction to the the 9/11 attacks funny. Take a moment and remember how frightened you were on that day. Remember the turmoil and confusion following the attacks. Now...think that Israeli's and Palestinians have been living like that and worse for decades.
In 1982 I was in Israel when the war with Lebanon began. The "Peace For Galilee" war it was called. The Kibbutz I was on is called Misgav Am. You cannot really get any closer to Lebanon without being in it..hehe. Anyhow, the war started. There were times, especially at night we could hear the distant sounds of bombs and even machine gun fire. For me, a teen from a small town in New England, that was big shit. I was terrified most of the time. Eventually, I did learn to go on but never completely. The gnawing fear and stress never really leaves you. I understand a little of what life is like for most Israeli's and Palestinians.
The humanitarian in me hates to see anyone suffer, Jew, Palestinian or Ukrainians. I want peace for my fellow Israeli's. I want to be able to visit my Palestinian friends freely and I want them to be able to come to visit me. I don't want to have to send money and care packages because certain things are unobtainable. I want peace.
I admire the Israeli's. They have created a county, a homeland for themselves. Their level of living is almost the same as here in the United States of America. They do not attack but rather respond to the constant attacks they endure. The almost constant attacks of bombs strapped to people. Bus bombings, kidnappings and other outrageous atrocities. It happens all to frequently. We never hear of Israel going into Gaza or the West Bank and kidnapping people. To date I have never heard of an Israeli strapping a bomb to themselves and walking into a Gaza market. It just doesn't happen. We hear of Israel responding to attacks from Hamas and other splinter groups.
I ask you to think a moment back to 9/11. Remember not feeling secure, scared and confused. How many felt about the loved ones they lost on that day and the many lost since we went to war with Iraq and Afghanistan. With those feelings still fresh, try to place yourself in the position of the Israeli's. Do you still feel the same way? Do you still think Israel is being harsh on Hamas?
I stand firmly behind Israel. I believe they are guided by a moral compass Hamas and the others lack. I believe many Palestinians could and want to live in PEACE with Israel. I believe they deserve a country of their own. I long to see the day where the Gaza Strip is an open port and is flourishing. I long for the day I do not have to hear the fears of my Israeli friends as they send their children off to yet another conflict with the Palestinians. The only question left to ask is, will I live to see Peace in the Middle East?
As most of you already know, I am the living antithesis of what Adolf Hilter stood for. I am a card carry, Yarmulke wearing homosexual Jew. Dang if that isn't a mouth full. Anyhow, suffice to say I am Jewish and Gay but I will try to be fair in this blog.
I am the grandson of a survivor of the holocaust. I spent time in my teens in Israel working on a Kibbutz. I have many friends in Israel. I also have friends in the West Bank and in Gaza, both Palestinian and not.
This is what I know about the current situation in Israel. Hamas is a terrorist organization which terrorizes its own people they claim to represent. They do not acknowledge the legitimacy of Israel and have vowed to bring about its destruction. I also know, first hand, how they attack innocent civilians within Israel's borders. They use terror as a weapon. They have sent over 2,600 bombs into Israel since July 8, 2014. They are not targeting military bases but rather civilians.
I also know, if the bombs stopped coming from the Gaza Strip into Israel, I know the government in Israel would be under immense pressure to stop the current campaign in the Gaza Strip. I also believe Israel is not the instigator nor wanting innocent Palestinians to die.
With all of that said, the bombs continue to fall, people are dying...on both sides. I do not propose to know how to end the conflict, but I do know the average Joe and Jane on the streets of Israel and within Gaza and the West Bank, want peace. There needs to be a Palestine for the Palestinians. They need to be able to live free and govern themselves and stop living in a constant state of war. Hatred needs to be bred out of both Israeli's and Palestinians.
The world is upset with Israel. There are civilians dying in Gaza. Schools are being hit. Children are seeing nothing but death and destruction. It is ugly with a capital U. So I asked the question, "What does the world want from Israel?" I keep hearing, "they should stop." I don't think it is that easy. Three buildings in NYC and DC were bombed 13 years ago and we are still at war. So when is Israel going to be given the same consideration? I keep telling people, what bothers you more, the fact that Israel is defending itself or that it is much more effective than Hamas?
I really think if Israel operated on the same scale as Hamas, the world would look away. For some reason, when Hamas starts a conflict and Israel comes in and effectively slams Hamas back into dark alley's and back rooms its a problem.
I ask you to ponder the question I asked above. Is what bothers most people the fact Israel is defending itself or the fact it does it so well? I found the 9/11 attacks to be a warning. A warning that war was coming home to America. America were most have lived in complete and utter ignorance of what most of the globe has had to live and deal with for centuries. I also found most people's reaction to the the 9/11 attacks funny. Take a moment and remember how frightened you were on that day. Remember the turmoil and confusion following the attacks. Now...think that Israeli's and Palestinians have been living like that and worse for decades.
In 1982 I was in Israel when the war with Lebanon began. The "Peace For Galilee" war it was called. The Kibbutz I was on is called Misgav Am. You cannot really get any closer to Lebanon without being in it..hehe. Anyhow, the war started. There were times, especially at night we could hear the distant sounds of bombs and even machine gun fire. For me, a teen from a small town in New England, that was big shit. I was terrified most of the time. Eventually, I did learn to go on but never completely. The gnawing fear and stress never really leaves you. I understand a little of what life is like for most Israeli's and Palestinians.
The humanitarian in me hates to see anyone suffer, Jew, Palestinian or Ukrainians. I want peace for my fellow Israeli's. I want to be able to visit my Palestinian friends freely and I want them to be able to come to visit me. I don't want to have to send money and care packages because certain things are unobtainable. I want peace.
I admire the Israeli's. They have created a county, a homeland for themselves. Their level of living is almost the same as here in the United States of America. They do not attack but rather respond to the constant attacks they endure. The almost constant attacks of bombs strapped to people. Bus bombings, kidnappings and other outrageous atrocities. It happens all to frequently. We never hear of Israel going into Gaza or the West Bank and kidnapping people. To date I have never heard of an Israeli strapping a bomb to themselves and walking into a Gaza market. It just doesn't happen. We hear of Israel responding to attacks from Hamas and other splinter groups.
I ask you to think a moment back to 9/11. Remember not feeling secure, scared and confused. How many felt about the loved ones they lost on that day and the many lost since we went to war with Iraq and Afghanistan. With those feelings still fresh, try to place yourself in the position of the Israeli's. Do you still feel the same way? Do you still think Israel is being harsh on Hamas?
I stand firmly behind Israel. I believe they are guided by a moral compass Hamas and the others lack. I believe many Palestinians could and want to live in PEACE with Israel. I believe they deserve a country of their own. I long to see the day where the Gaza Strip is an open port and is flourishing. I long for the day I do not have to hear the fears of my Israeli friends as they send their children off to yet another conflict with the Palestinians. The only question left to ask is, will I live to see Peace in the Middle East?
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